Did one person leave two others with the same cards? That is a chilling amount of destruction.

My cards have been ruined by rain, I blame myself. I feel like a traitor.

han bao bao.

“They’re trying make you talk like a three year old”


ok, I’m just gonna pretend I don’t speak any Chinese at all in Taiwan.

Why must my own face kantoikan me, gdi Lainie, get a proper tan on your fes.

I told a friend about this and she gelak I πŸ˜’. No need to ever discuss again.

I’m going to have an intense work month right after I return from Taiwan. Sudden unexpected expenses that I kinda walked right into omg what am I doing why am i like this.

Reminder to self: let go. Do not be held hostage. Nothing is more important than the self. Do not negotiate or rationalise or attempt to “win” over the narcissist with good points, because engaging on those irrational terms itself is an act of irrationality.

Bait is an attempt at control. Bait will attempt to reach you through your weaknesses. Bait will try to get you to blame yourself if you don’t solve this situation you seem to be in. Bait is the idea that you can seize power with the products of your mind against theirs. Bait just needs you to look it in the eye and say “Fuck off.”

The best weapon and defence I have is the ability to see the bullshit for what it is, the intentions behind the actions, and the person who wants to manipulate and gaslight me. Nothing being thrown and used against me is real, that’s just ammo to wear me down and keep me in the wrong arena. I’m the only one who cares, my task is to accept that fact and learn to manage that emotionally. I need to remember sincerity matters to me.

I am not used to recognising, and then not playing the game. It is strange to hold this power. I don’t know what to do with this new sense of knowledge and control, except to use it, shield myself, and remind myself I deserve this. Let go. No need. Do not be held hostage. If need be: seek support elsewhere.


I miss my besties, most of my honeybunnies. It does not escape me that I’m the one who stayed behind in Malaysia. I don’t think we’ll ever reside in the same country again.

Went dancing with Petra and Serene. I liked that it was quite an inclusive environment, and clearly stated that dance roles are between “leads” (typically male) and “follows” (typically female).

I liked that I saw both women and men as leads and follows (although admittedly, I was the minority amongst leads). I met someone who could do both parts, and was kind enough to show me some steps as both lead and follow — apparently quite a few of them can dance both roles.

Reza had earlier suggested that I take lead because to follow, one has to be quite attentive to their lead. I can’t even take instructions to learn to play pool, I really think if a man tried to lead me in dance, my body would instinctively resist. I think I could take cues from another woman, but that’s not a given and also not statistically advantageous right now.

It does make me look kinda butch though πŸ‘€, when I dance traditionally male steps.

I like the vibe at Lindy (and most importantly, the code of conduct). Still, I’m not a confident lead, and I don’t accept mistakes I make well — which is ridiculous because I’m completely new to this, but also predictable.

I don’t know if I’m social enough for the Lindy format, but the dancing is fun.

I told my sister you did Lindy

She said

“I can see Lainie being pretty good actually. But having no clue about what she is doing.”

I have too many psychic friends. Maybe something about my mind is like entertainment tv to them.

I did take to the steps quite well until I got a blur and extremely nervous partner, I think I serap her energy which made me think my steps, and miss some instructions, and both of these didn’t translate well to my body, which made me both terrible at the dance and leading.

Still, this is what I discussed with Sharon (muay Thai) and Sze (yoga). I think Lindy is the opposite of my body with its joyful movements and I think maybe this is what I can use to unlock. Not exactly going to stand up to examination, but it’s a combination of useful and powered by faith.

Had a useful talk with Reza about this, and about how he leads, and how I am not socialised at all as a woman for this.

Still intuitively working my way through the memories embedded in my body. I should read a book about this, or something.

Reading Eva Kurniawan, borrowed the book from Jac. Really digging it so far, Dhyta’s recommendation was spot on. I need to send her the book I got.

Gave Mayte my ukulele, Macarena the Jonathan Safran Foer book (Mayte got a better deal). I don’t know if she’ll keep it, but hopefully it travels with her for a while.

I should probably stop going to TTDI.

I want to like Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, because it’s so weird and quirky, but it’s also intentionally aggravating and annoying in a childish and aggressive manner.

I just discovered a Max Landis connection to the show. I’m watching it now because I know the series is cancelled anyhow.

I said choosing between Najib BN or Mahathir Pakatan is like choosing between the left butt cheek or the right butt cheek — eventually you end up with an asshole.

I don’t know why I say things like this, but at least it amused the others.

Mimpi yang indah

I was on the last carriage in the train. There were quite a few people there, but no one talked or made eye contact. Because this was the carriage for people who absolutely did not with to talk or communicate.

I was happy there was such a public space designed.

Am I that guy

I know I had an extremely interesting dream, something that examined the structure of daily life in a different world, but I awoke with this thought instead: someone told me once that much of flirting with men can be guiding them on a path of action and allowing them to believe everything was their idea. It sounded ridiculous at the time but it was the first thing in my mind this morning: β€œHang on, am I that guy?”

So much for sleeping in on a Sunday, I think that is going to stick on and off in my mind today .__.

I had a tummy ache while in Jac’s car, and I told her I wasn’t 100% sure if it was PMS cramps or stomach ache, I’m not great at differentiating the two. I think she thought she was agreeing when she said the two frequently come together, and I kept quiet (distracted by pain), but I didn’t know what she was talking about.

And then I went to the toilet and she was right. Both!

I later told her we both learned something new today: but really, I’m the only one who learned something. All she learned was I have useless knowledge of my own biology, and I don’t think that qualifies as learning at all.

She asked about my dating life, and there is nothing to remark upon there except that generally people who identify as straight find me attractive.

Although now as I type this, I realise that’s only true because my memory is terrible and I forgot some bits. Smh why am I like this πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

I am going to go MOOC shopping for 2018! The first thing I want to promise myself is to take it easy with my ambitions.

A new year

Up early in 2018. My new first year waking up early. The morning is cold, full of birds singing. Probably glad the fireworks are over.

2017 was really rough, and I transformed against my will. But I’m happy I met some amazing people, and also became closer with some friends I hope will continue to be important in my life.

2018 will be about being better to and for myself.

Final hour of 2017

“Leave the dragon here for you. Very yummy ah you? Delicious. Like a char kuay teow.”

Friend JC visits and notices I have magnetised an extra stubborn friend home. A prayer, some incense, a bell. A cool wind. A dragon has been summoned to protect the space.

And then she is out the door with the bandidas squad for NYE.

Yesterday I was told I have the complexion of strawberry milk.

Today I was asked if I had a tan.

If only I could wear Instagram filters like a tan.