B: I forgot what angry Cathy is like

L: You do? But you’ve caused so much of it

B: *gelak*

L: 😑

A young woman took our photo

W: ok. Another pose!

*stunned*

Me: This is all we got

B: Wrong audience

Pet says single status is because my astrological lone star manifests through blurness. So I don’t realise when people are attracted to me, and i forget to text the few people I’m attracted to.

should I think about this. Has Pets seen me forget too many women.

Talked about our dating lives. I don’t want to date unless it’s something I see it lasting (otherwise, what’s the point?). I don’t understand some couples. Pets says because I don’t need external validation.

Pet agrees with Lwee Scorpio makes me look garang. Compares me to Yas. Both taureans. I have no fire signs (at all) and she has no water signs (at all). My Mars is also Taurus so I am slow to anger but ppl step back if I do get angry. Yas is self conscious of gaze because she Leo mars. We are both Gemini venuses, and with my waters, I am like Bruce lee; the water that fits the vessel of the ppl I date. Yas Aries rising — I see it. Pisces moon means I jelly inside but appear otherwise, but my motivations are emotional. I should read about scorpios.

I have no fire signs at all 😀 what are the fire signs? Must be Aries.

Peggy came over to gomol the cats and take some ghost peppers for her zhip san leong this weekend.

I need to figure out my password so I can update this blog with a proper keyboard.

Situation:King of cups

Because:The mentor

My cards are starting to warn me about me.

A temple visit. A rainbow. A tourist in a kimono. I have been away too long.

Looked for a new kuanyin. Was told a broken kuanyin, the god has left the statue. I could feel an energy when I held her, but I think I made the right decision to follow instructions with the exchange. Found an iron one for healing.

She said the kuanyin has to be invited in, but she never said how 🐛 howwwwww

I should buy her sambal for Christmas

My cards say tomorrow is a day for Courage and inner strength. The last time they said that, I had three (four?) life threatening medical emergencies to deal with. Wtf is gonna happen now?

Random punch pains. A circle around my ankle. Something feels off. I am enveloped.

My body knew before I did that the altar had been broken. My reflection is off. Please no prophecies tonight.

Maybe it’s my exhaustion and not the altar. There are parallels.

Respecting boundaries

A family of four daughters are praying, their mother is dying in the bed before mum’s. It’s difficult to see. Our difficulty seems too much to carry, and then we see their work before us, and it’s so much deeper.

A caregiver is in. Things are getting better. I don’t think I can do something like that again this month. I lost my cool. I dislike that.

She’s alright. Doesn’t get things all the time, went to the wrong bed, uber blur, a bit low energy. Sent her home early. Hope she has the sense to rest well before tmr, I want to see what she’s like not after a 17 hour shift.

Finally saw the cousin and uncle. Uncle brushed off his car accident. So that’s what they mean by man ego.

The letter is being shared. It shouldn’t be.

Short conversation before sleep. Incongruous jahat streak. Kinda scary. Kinda hot. 🙊

Ffs even when I draw a card in the dark it’s the same

“Can I have a few minutes?”

Cue: half an hour descending into respectful, polite, restrained, benci and grumpy bickering.

hrnghhhh I write a tweet you want me to unroll a whole goddamn comms plan for ppl with goddamn comms officers WOMAN. I👏🏻KENOT👏🏻LAYAN👏🏻UNPAID👏🏻LABOUR👏🏻ANYTIME👏🏻SOON👏🏻LIKE U👏🏻

I am too focused on the personal and financial cost of what I do. I need to recalibrate my view of where I am in all this.

My gentle cards say I need strength, and mental energy. I don’t know if I can summon the energy, and if I know where to go from here.

This isn’t the work of one person, but I seem to be the only one here. The rest are mostly interested in achieving health by cruelty and cutting cost.

Strength, and mental energy. I cannot do everything alone, but I will do what I can.

There are more security guards than nurses in my mother’s hospital ward.

This is because there is only one nurse rn, and because she’s the only one here, she can only be at the nursing station.

Met a guy from Tawau who will be a father soon. He is so unhappy with the hospital here, he’s convinced things would be better in Sabah. Gave him a lighter but it felt wrong, rude.

I’ve had to dig deep to find my humanity under duress, and this is not the sort of excavation I’ve ever imagined.

This is a connection I’ve intentionally shunned, and now the effects are vindicating. But the old model doesn’t work. And there is more work to be done.

Cried because

Her breakfast was late

She needed 5 mins after breakfast to gargle

She had to move into the car

She didn’t have a jacket in the hospital

It was cold

Her bed had to be prepared

She had to be lifted onto the bed

The doctor wasn’t psychic

People don’t automatically know what to do because she has arrived.

She couldn’t hear me

Doctor couldn’t find the vein

Doctor didn’t speak loud enough

Doctor mispronounced “cough”

She had to sit up to drink water

She had to remove a straw from a plastic wrap

She had to poke a straw into her own drink

She couldn’t hear me ask if she wanted to lie down

She was lying down.

It’s only noon.

People get targeted for murder sometime. I am next. It is a secretive group. But also way of life. It might come in the form of a false friend, a partner, a stranger at the door. The smart know they are marked, try to escape. I try to fight but stealth.

It is a game of cat and mouse.

EXACTLY the same cards today, AGAIN, wtf wtf wtf

Ten of Pentacles

0 – innocence

The cards are always right, but not in ways I expect. Which makes sense since I have an ability to make them fit the scenario. But also, I haven’t really drawn much happy cards.

This year feels cursed. I’ve always thought I had above average good luck for survival. Maybe the best way is to think that I do, and it would be worse now if I didn’t.

I keep thinking back to what the fortune teller said. I should focus more on reality and less on the woo woo.

Lunch with Mel today. We discussed the festival — there were things she didn’t know. She told me about some fears I had caused with my ghosting. I don’t think I did anything uncalled for, I was protecting myself.

Also discussed sexual harassers, organisers who fail others by enabling sexual harassers, relationships with our mothers, caregiving and mental health, responsibilities and personal capacities, and sisterhood.

It was a good talk. At the end of it, she told me she remembered the mahjong paper tip and that it came in very useful. I smiled, but I also felt sad about it.

I think this means I’ll be in Subang once the hospital stuff is over.

Ma is in tears today. She was so consumed with fear, she couldn’t hear me when I entered the room (not quietly) and called her a few times.

Her fingers are locked together again. I kind of want to punch the next person who says maybe it’s trigger finger, after I have already told them it doesn’t match the symptoms.

Managing ma is one thing. Managing relatives who issue orders and demands is another. I have a sick and fearful mother to deal with. She is starting to believe this is divine punishment, for not being religious enough, or praying to the wrong god. I do not have the head space for your passive aggressive bullshit need to be recognised. For gods sake I’m the youngest, and I’m doing the most. The rest of you sort your own shit out.

Tomorrow will be a big logistics and prep day. I need to summon energy I don’t know is there. But I have to find it somewhere.

I am so tired, and so emotionally drained.