Posts from the “Daily” Category

Learning upclose that abusers can speak the language of remorse and reform with little sincerity. Just read the longest post of confessional bullshit from a friend who abandoned yet another partner.

Appreciating more these days the few individuals with integrity and sincerity, which is more than a guilty conscience at the end of things.

I think some people actually do not know that integrity is more than a sport or public performance of ideals. Is all failure a given?

My trigger is unreliable people, but it’s also allowed me to spot a pattern amongst the unreliable — the toxic are the ones who will take your investment in them in what is supposed to be an equal partnership, but can walk away easily. Maybe pay it back in other forms, but maybe not reciprocity as a reliable partner, but also no issue in taking it.

Is the problem giving it?

I don’t think all relationships require reciprocity either. But I do think some people allow that reciprocity to be assumed as part of the package, even as they receive.

Maybe I should sleep. But it’s bugging me. And I’m watching yet another woman talk about the important and difficult lesson of learning forgiveness, while her partner performs exactly as the others in this pattern. I’m missing the language for what I’m seeing, but I know I dislike it, and something dishonest is going on here that I can’t verbalise.

Finally writing what I’ve been carrying. I didn’t expect the tears to return, but they did. God, I am usually a beast of burden, but there has been so much to carry this year.

I wasn’t expecting to be so sad today. I am an impulsive creature sometimes.

  • m: It’s ok if you kenot layan. I’m just being hiao!
  • p: if you were a man, do you see how this would be a problematic conversation
  • m: I’m sorry! Also I’m not being hiao with you specifically!
  • p: again, if you were a man…

I die. Just take my head and hang it above your door.

  • p: oh shit I’m turning into Lainie Yeoh
  • m: ?
  • p: I’m forgetting stuff
  • m: ๐Ÿ˜€
  • m: โ˜ ๏ธ

you can’t kill me there’ll be less cuteness in the world

  • I would find her attractive but I have a hurdle.
  • Your sexuality?
  • What has my straightness ever done for me?
  • ๐Ÿคญ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

Dekat di hati

S&A coming into town next month ๐ŸŒˆ

Gym lunches are fun lunches.

Friendversary dinners are silly fun.

If she wanted me, my pants would shoot off my legs

True. RD is ๐Ÿงจ

My pants shot off my legs anyway.

sniff sniff. Luncheon meat.

are you saying my coffee smells like luncheon meat

CT is back ๐ŸŽ‰ J is silent ๐Ÿ˜

โ€œYou are much stronger than me. I think you will be okayโ€

๐Ÿ˜ญ

AH! L&S are back!

FIS NUDLES!!

But you do get very intense

But I am the fluffy one in our group

True

AS came over with L, brought soup for my flu bug. ๐Ÿ’•

dealt with the insufferable cats for me. At least kept them occupied for a while.

You are bursting with enthusiasm, invigorated and enjoying a wonderful sense of good health.

๐ŸŽ‰

The Sun. 10 Pentacles. The Sun again.

I was asked if I could work with men

I bet the men were never asked if they could work with women.

Always strange to get to know someone who’s a family friend.

The cards say I have to listen to my dreams tonight, and in the future these dreams manifest.

The cards also say to go to sleep so this must be important.

Beware of sly(?) questions. Be logical. See past illusions.

don’t remember any dreams from last night. ๐Ÿฆ‘

yang energy so direct, was wondering what kept waking me up. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ. This one is pesky in the morning.

I’m not going to learn to close channels at this rate ๐Ÿ˜– bodoh

Heart still full of music from Wednesday. How did the week pass so quickly?

Humming the tunes every day. I wish the musicians involved had been more adept. Then again, it’s an unforgiving score. And I have memories of it when it’s fuller, more felt. But not everyone does.

And I can’t help but to wonder

What tore us asunder

How in the world

Did we wind up this way

At least, one week later, my stomach is starting to heal from my own stupidity. Just in time to deal with another bug ๐Ÿ˜’

2018 is closing. I’m not ready for 2019, but I’m ready to leave the many toxicities of 2018 behind. don’t have the choice to leave everything I’d like behind. But I can try to steer the ship.

The closure of Walls and it’s space. It’ll take time to process.

The cards have changed positions. From the middle to the left. Hrm.

I am feverish, my eyes feel like ping pong balls. Dragged self out to deliver kiwis, buy two fruit cakes. Dinner with Yas.

The cats have cabin fever and I’m their gatekeeper. They’re very unhappy with me.

M: why you come to me about lesbian drama? Not like I expert.

H: ….

M: ….

H: ….

M: ….

H: ….

M: OK FINE WAT HAPPEN

Christ I am an expert this calamity is familiar ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

Dreamt of dawn. Worked in a factory of sorts. Metal grills to walk on. Machinery moving by themselves. Giant lighter fluids spill — small lighter, but it seeped through the grills and created a two-tone blue and purple giant puddle below. Horror as boss goes down to check what the security hazard is. Doesn’t know it’s me. Friend saves the day, lies about something. We get distracted by a tandem bike that has a white metal casing around it, and looked very cool — lots of leg room too with cool grey details. Looks semi scooter. Tumbling together in a metal box. My colleague has an oblivious partner in the picture.

I brought a deity statue into my home and prayed to her. I realise at some point, eh! this isn’t Kuan Yin, it’s Thean Hou.

(Does this mean I need another goddess in my home now)

Proving, once again, I should listen to my cards ๐Ÿ˜’.

I’m so glad I got perfume when shopping with snow. I want more.

Today I learned some girls are taught their periods are so dirty, their blood has to be washed away from the used sanitary napkins before disposing of them.

If you share a dustbin, it’s ‘consideration’ lest the smell offends the others.

Another spin is that if you don’t, a hantu will come and drink the blood.

Apparently some disposable sanitary napkins are marketed as washable. I wonder if my classmates had been doing the same, and I just never cottoned on. I’ve been using a mooncup forever, so the world of shopping for pads has been alien to me for over a decade now.

0 lagi. Wow my cards are rly quite consistently nagging/judging me. I geddit I geddit ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

ma is displeased. I was only here twice today.

๐Ÿ˜’

Fuck this shit, srsly

I am so weary. I am sick today, and so taken for granted I didn’t even have the energy to offer it up as an excuse. Because it’s not about that.

She lamented yesterday that she had me to take care of her, but nobody to take care of me.

She is wrong. She has to take care of herself. And I have to take care of me.

This is a line I’ll need to draw.

What will tmr be like? 0 again ๐Ÿ˜€ wtf ok fine I geddit I geddit ๐Ÿ˜€

I think I discovered a new side to myself today. I’ve surprised myself.