Posts from the “Daily” Category

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Once a week gym is better than none. My stamina and glucose took a beating, but not my muscles it seems.

Exercising in the morning is difficult, but it disrupts the day less. I don’t know how Taiwan finds the energy to do it so early.

He asked me what I’ve been eating in the hospital area this week and I didn’t even want to tell him. It’s so bad here.

Discussed previous sexual encounters, and how women and men differ. “Free sex” πŸ‘€

Met up with Taiwan after, patted cats, and played with Bear Bear. She helped me collect shampoo which was such a relief to use. Finally, the correct product on my head.

Tried to nap because I was so fucking beat, but I couldn’t. Tido tak lena. Also πŸ‘€.

Porridge. Porridge makes us both happy. Went to a shop that sells imported nonsense. Bought Malaysian chocolate. Does that mean they don’t usually distribute locally?

Made spiced coffee to ameliorate my grogginess. Was supposed to meet YT, but we ended up faffing around so much it didn’t happen. Read art books together. πŸ’•

Picked YT up for dinner. Missed 9 because didn’t know she was next door. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ. She was quite peeved for a while. But YT has a lot to process so I don’t think she has the mental space.

Jr came much later. Happy to eat at YSH but maybe we should try more tai chows closer to home.

Talked about her dating history and all I see is a long line of being subject to extreme toxicity. Held her hand. Was worried I shouldn’t at all.

Jr wanted to bring us to Enigma after but I majorly nixed it. Went to my secret spot in Bangsar instead. Gin and tonic.

It was unusual to talk so much about romance and sexuality today. Was asked about my romantic actions and had to run everything by a Halal Memory filter first. Perils of a closeted dating life.

Still, now I know more about 9’s cutest love life and I love it. It is strange to open up to possibility of dating again after so long.

Gdi every time we meet I risk picking up something that’ll cling to me. I’m not sure about sharing a room at all

What if my fear and awkwardness can be measured by the speed I leave her room.

She asked if I could finally see her fire 😳

(Yes?)

Rising mirth, stifled giggles. Sneaking into YT’s place for Momo but she set off the security alarm. Not stealth at all.

I was standing in front. Turned around to see the others had the common sense to crouch, hide. I had just been waiting for the house owner to come down and see me.

Taiwan laughed so hard she doubled over. If that whole thing was set up it would have been fucking brilliant.

YT was very apologetic and asked if we wanted to stay anyway. πŸ€«πŸ˜‚

Taiwan slapped face cream on herself but isn’t sure if slapping actually makes it effective.

Was so out of it. She asked a big question about being mean without reason. The mind is rational, it can always find a reason, or create one.

I realised I had to zoom back to much much younger days, before homophobes took up the quota.

Woke up at 3am surrounded by heat and awareness. Gdi YT.

Triplets

The guard gave me grief like a spiteful sport this morning (As he has, sporadically this month), but was worn out by evening.

I drove up, wound down the window and looked at him, chin in hand. Already bored at what is to come.

He didn’t pretend that he didn’t know who I was, or where I was going, or that he couldn’t find my details in the guard book, or my access permission in their records.

He didn’t “misunderstand” or “mishear” my visitor card number for a house address, or vice versa. He didn’t make me park to the back while he pretends to figure it out for over 20 minutes.

He wordlessly handed me a visitor’s card. His favourite weapons of bureaucracy, authority and protocol are beyond him tonight. Maybe we’re both feeling dead inside. I just stared at him, took the card, and drove off.

He’ll probably rediscover his joy for belligerence the next day. At least I leave this area in a few days. He might be stuck with his miserable personality for life.

1. Seven Wands

2. Seven Cups

3. Seven Pentacles

My nenek cards want a choice. What on Earth is happening tomorrow? My intuition has received some signals, but Mars Retrograde.

Neuromed asks if it’ll be a problem. Of course it will be, but we will still have to see it through. Kan?

I’m so looking forward to a gym session tmr. And maybe some gratitude journaling.

Deplatforming nazis? Sign me up!

A hot sun

Headed to the police station today. This government is unjust. The persecution has to stop.

The last time I was at a police station, protesting in solidarity, it was under BN’s administration. The detainees had been so badly mistreated, their stories full of dehumanising experiences.

Now the threat looms just as close. I will remember this.

The last time I was here, I held an anarchist’s hands and wept with her. Today it was full of laughter and friends on high alert.

Laughed about our intelligent tudung, flapping slowly to the unsuspecting muslimah to wrap themselves around their free hair. Like sentient stingrays of textile oppression.

Liy taught me some of her head rub techniques but Nz and I ended up being distracted by her weird description of the two bumps on your head.

When they came out, I was relieved. Ended up driving Ang to the next location. Didn’t join the events, but got to speak more with YT and Shf.

“I didn’t know sex could be emotional” πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Talked about sex in oppressive, patriarchal spaces. YT’s country must be incredibly rimas. Just like the bullying that begins online and starts creeping in to private physical spaces. Just rimas. Bought Shf some Nips for a lark.

Laptop cafe date with Taiwan after, minus my laptop or anything. Got little bit lectured because I coughed so much. Full of fun and distractions, manga (Ranma, Yu Yu, Slamdunk) and a whiskey back home. Horoscopes. My water, her fire(?). She looked away when I mentioned my rising sign πŸ€” but I don’t know anything about its traits. Read more comics while she had a meeting. Talked about her UI design.

Had a massive allergy attack. Shared oishinbo comics with her. Held up the faces of the women she fancies, side by side, like clones. She was eaten alive by mosquitoes.

The cats were being so demanding and entitled and bossy. πŸ™„. Grey just wanted her butt petted all the time.

Jealous lesbians are always…………tiring. Makes me want to confront things head on, but maybe it’s too much aggression.

Bermanja.

Quite shy about it.

Ah. The haze is back. No wonder I’m coughing and have massive allergies.

I guess I can now resume my petty sniping about the Transboundary Haze Agreement since we have this new

I can’t believe Taiwan actually convinced me to put down the ciggies some tomorrow, when it’s going to be such a difficult day.

The moon, from the six of Pentacles, to the magician.

On a moonlit shore, in a generous space, we bring peace and prosperity to each other. Bathed in a mysterious power, full of positive energy and good intentions. We run for land, net full of harvest. We observe our own meeting from a distance.

The moon illuminates. A peaceful room, a gentle, dreamy sleep. A manja cat for company. Home lies in the distance. A sleeping beauty waits to be awakened from a dream by a visiting prince. The vines, the cat, the moon; eternal life, future hopes, nocturnal mysteries. All lead to a higher consciousness.

It is time to examine dreams, confront shadows, see past illusions and take that important step towards being centered and fulfilled. Manage the surfacing fears from the past.

To each other we are the Magician, opening a box with delight, the discovery of something new. Intuitive, powerful, but only accessible if we can visualise it. An energy of mysterious power surrounds us. Travel deeper into the unconscious, the psyche, intuition.

The moon in all three cards. Intuition, subconscious and dreams. Uncertainty, fear and illusions.

Are my cards confounded by the amount of mysterious power at place in mercury retrograde, or are we confounding them? Have you found a situation you cannot read?

Whatever needs to happen will happen. Let the steps all be met with positive energy. Our intuition will lead.

I am in India. I always travel with this bunch of ppl. Some of them are food bloggers. We stay in things like hostels, 3 to a room.

There are giant metal bins. Artworks and posters and sketchbooks inside. The archive has emptied out some of their collection, including my things. My sketchbooks are so cringey to flip through. Christ, do I really draw these manga stereotypes of boobsy women and tough men primed for battle?

I meet Sze M on the road. She just flew in, I give her a hug. I ask her something (how was her flight? How is she?) and she replied in a negative manner. we are going to Jalan Ampang, we are near Chinatown. I request for her to lead the way as I have no sense of directions.

I see giant yellow buntings with red words unveiled. I have been accepted into this really relaxed human rights arts programme by Gaya. I can do any project as part of this outreach, and I wonder if I’ll take to the streets like CT in a demonstration. No, don’t think so. Maybe I’ll learn a best dish from a few Indian ppl, enough to host a dinner where I cook all their best dishes a few times. Embody the knowledge, pass it to others.

The nice thing about brunch today: the sense of familial familiarity without baggage.

  • M: What’s the name of this pork noodle shop?
  • K: Pork Noodle Shop.

He ran off to check the signboard, and returned.

  • K: No Name Pork Noodle Shop.
  • M: πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

  • I have no idea how to not cry. Is there an eye muscle to squeeze. Is this like my core
  • It’s like your pride core
  • Oh noes I must exercise my pride core

Now that I’m home with a book in my hands, I can finally feel some peace. It’s been a long day at the hospital.

I think I overdid the tarot last night. It left me depleted, and I had so much problem-solving and upsets to deal with today.

A new caregiver coming in tomorrow. A final panicked push of last minute coordination before I managed to leave the hospital. So much uncertainty. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ.

Meant to unwind over a late dinner, but it turned out to be band night. I couldn’t bring myself to read and ignore a house band. The drummer uncle was so into it, he had his mouth open in a silent shout as he played.

Didn’t manage to turn a single page of the book today, tak henti-henti.

I worry for the trajectory of my mother’s health. CT sensed my fears immediately. J says the timeline I worry about is still kinda great, as it can mentally really help with healing, and I can deal with changes and pace as it comes.

I love my friends who empathise, and the older and wiser ones with warm hearts and good words. It’s a fucking good thing I have the friends I do.

Maybe I’m reaching the end of my bad book streak. If things go well I get to read about Mak Genggang tmr.

Wish I could be drinking mango juice in Melaka. But conversation and a book in bed is sweet too.

Arrived at hospital. Mum already weeping. Says she’ll tell me later why. (broadly usual day that she was particularly unhappy with today)

Mum started tearing again. Because there is fried chicken in her dinner.

I drove through an hour of traffic I’m not prepared πŸ˜€ I’m so drained by her entire and predictable inability to cope. I understand it, but I find it tiring.

Maybe the difficulty of caregiving for her is also that I am doing her share.

This is the closest we’ve ever been to a timeline. Doctors say if things go well, taking into consideration wellness and age and other factors; we might be looking at a year of recovery (minimum).

I can see the dread in my mother’s eyes about being wheelchair bound for a year — but also the hope that this will end within a year. A 90% recovery (and not the other end of the range mentioned: 20%)

I know what will take its place if her expectations are unmet. 🀞🏻🀞🏻🀞🏻

  • I’m glad to hear that but i also don’t know how you deal with it 😭
  • By hanging out with a cute girl. LOL
  • *popcorn*

Al says I β€œdeserve all the good things”, but I don’t think that can ever apply to humans.

Still, she has been very good for my nature. I have been happy in her company.

Seeing faces everywhere in inanimate objects.

Taiwan says both Jr and I are delicate and then deftly slid past attempts to clarify.

Lunch at Medifoods today. It’s comforting to return to my once daily meal. I am hungry now tho, by 6pm.

Her first rolled cigarette; a most respectable attempt. Straight and small.

lol. Texting Liy’s mum about birthday and fluffy cats.

Mother is midnight offended because the nurses want to pass on skills at rehab. Which is the entire point of being in rehab.

Kai zau and porridge for supper. Thought I would have to sleep hungry but lucked out because 4yee brought food from church home.

A massive (and draining) tarot read.

This human is leaving

What an unexpectedly long day. Started it at the cafe for breakfast, then headed to the gym. 😡. Brought Taiwan to Li. Then we helped J with errands. We held the world’s cutest Pomeranian puppy. Ugh so smol so fluffeh. 🀜🏻🀜🏻🀜🏻🐢 geramnya aku. Came so close to a horrible impulse. ε₯½ε―ηˆ±γ€‚

Met Shk to sign sign. Ran more errands. Bought a ton of stuff at the pharmacy.

Finished just in time to meet Bell for sushi dinner. It’s good to spend time with her. Brought her a crystal pendant from J, we went to get a chain for it. She’s been hanging out with Siti K which is always good for her. Not all her emotions are hers. Facilitating her flirting. The last time I had sushi was quite a while back with J, so this was appreciated. Then bought a mountain of popcorn. Sour cream for me. Matcha chocolate for her.

Went to Lin’s talk on Kelantanese warrior queen history. Missed most of the presentation, but caught a strong Q&A. Menoleh ke belakang. Glasses — so cute. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ. Bunian money.

Were we ever colonised? Was it patriarchal? Are these bangsawan stories? Why do we seek collective stories? Does controlling the purse strings actually translate to power, or is it another management job?

Met a Taiwanese anthropologist who is studying Indonesian theatre history. Always good to meet a geek. And an earnest queer intern/filmmaker. The Taiwans. New Village.

Had noodles at OK. Drank with Bell before sending her off to the laundromat. We got to tease each other today because berangau. You’re local?? Wah, Klang is damn far.

Followed Taiwan to replace water but there was no water. Awkward. “This sends a different message” because it looked like I was following her to the loo.

β€œThis human is leaving”

Jabber doesn’t understand spoken communications like this. His language is very present. He gets love now, he does not get love. He gets birthday kisses everyday, or not.

Been asked many times today about my feelings for J. Don’t have lah that type πŸ˜‘

Thanks to some transphobe twit mistaking me for a man (the patriarchal toxic sort!), I now have so many women calling me handsome and praising me excessively. I am flattered, terharu and also very amused.

I thought I was quite polite throughout. J thinks it’s a good thing (funny?) that I still have the energy to troll.

I am enveloped in a shield of good and happy energy right now. No troll could actually pass πŸ€™πŸ».

It’s Jr’s birthday today but I think I should text at a decent hour.

Found out my Chinese birthday today because it’s in my iCal! But surely it can’t repeat every year on a Gregorian. Didn’t even know it was there. Kinda looks like I planted it for an opportunity. Too groggy. Too much work.

She says she’s a good liar which means I need to have a bridge rematch, stat.

Am I a good liar? I suppose if I’m asking, probably not. Then again, why would I?

Ah yes, the silence in the car that was sniffed out immediately. That’s why.

Encounters

Yesterday the roti canai man gave me so much dhal and curry, it got a wtf glance from student doctors. I thought it might be a fluke since it was only my second visit, and the first was in my last hospital visit.

Today there were no other customers, and it happened again. He also insisted on heating up the just-cooked roti again while I fished for coins.

Tbh I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with this attention.

So tired. Yawning repeatedly at 7:30pm. Unsure how to pinpoint the exhaustion, but it may be related to emotional labour. Maybe some sun when I walked out for smokes.

Wondering if I’ll perk up as I get farther from the hospital.

Mother cried twice today (more, but let’s say twice).

Once because she was feeling hot and had not said. Another because of her life and how pitiful she is, living a life she does not want, in a poverty she cannot control.

Made me think that there truly is no point in living small.

Popped by at J’s, stumbled upon a group. Th tried to get me to stay on but I ran because I am going to fully menghayati my break. Gave JJ a big hug. J asked how my mother was doing, paused, then corrected and asked how I was doing.

Jabber was pleased to see me and gave me lovey eyes. Then a femme showed up and I was swiftly abandoned. Then Taiwan showed up and we were all abandoned. Jabber has a femmedar (J says she has none πŸ™„). Taiwan said even she can tell I’m more femme than J “sometimes” but apparently she was trying to be nice. As if I’d ever consider masculinity inherently superior πŸ˜†.

It’s going to be one heck of a thoughtful birthday present. And I’ll provide the magnifying glass πŸ˜‚

Massage = lesbian sex = rain= shower = light curtain.

All the same awkward dance.

Ya rabbi, help me.

Hints of ace demisexuality.

Must be a privilege to be able to play the numbers game. To not share an ex. To share G&Ts. An ex that changes sexuality.

Abused trust. Is possession the same thing as lack of trust? Or jealousy? Weird mix of both? Cause I can be jealous without being possessive. I should ask about this.

We have agreed jealousy is separate.

Nice to know Mark is making her do bear crawls too. Can’t imagine her looking any better, really.

She bumped into a door on the way out. ✊🏻

My wrist sprain is worse. I’m worried. What if the finger sprain is lifelong. What if I can never πŸ¦‘ again

April 16th is already too close.

I perked up as I got farther from the hospital.

Gym and Ikea and nursing home tmr. And lunch.

Watching a male jackass’s ego crumble is doing me a lot of good rn. His last few tweets have been about how insignificant we are. Lol. So affected.

Her: why don’t you educate yourself in biology?

Me: *suddenly remembers I did bioscience in college*

Holy fuck, been filling out forms about my education all day and I literally forgot I could include that.

Omg fucking weird dream revolving Ferris wheel of chairs of flesh one series big one series small who knows how they justified this

this day started too early

I befriended a new cat in the hospital grounds. She has a strange scabby eye and I am fighting the urge to take her to the vet. There are rational reasons for restraint, but in this case: It’s guilt. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

I don’t feel like I am allowed to expend energy beyond immediate duties as a daughter while I’m here.

An aunty was sobbing so much today. I tried sitting with her and stroking her arm. We had some moments, but I was temporary relief at best. I wonder where her family is. Also guilt. It is easier with strangers than blood.

Rehab ward is so underfunded it’s dire, but the people have more humanity here. What a relief. (?)

Early drive to hospital this morning. Not sure why they insist on morning visits because nothing happened until much later in the afternoon. It was such a groggy drive too, and I was out of it most of today.

Got stuck for two hours at the guardhouse, which made me think everything in this postcode is cursed.

Picked up our private caregiver from a cafe near home. None of our Filipino hires want to come to the nursing home because they’ve all had racist encounters with the head nurse there.

I am in the middle of a bad book streak. Not truly enjoying any of the books I’m reading, and the audiobooks I’m trying out are dismal☹️. Can’t really seem to pick an available title for my next audiobook either. Maybe I should jump out of the trial period now. πŸ€”

I am so looking forward to gym day. Strange to want exercise, but it is coupled with time away.

I am most concerned about Bell.

I wish there was a gentle, really gentle way to say ‘cishet women aren’t an orgasm away from jumping into a relationship with you, stop telling them how good in bed you are’.*

Also just awkward to be within spitting distance of this strategy. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ can’t this at least take place far away from my witnessing it.

I still think cishet women are simply conditioned to reassuring and praising their partners because they need to do it with men**

*who knows. Maybe I salah πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

**scarred by my favourite sisters.

As I patted 4yee’s cat today, my brain thought β€˜Taiwan gon come steal you from me’

Also fed some cats at the neighbourhood cafe. A quality cat-filled day.

Reached out to JJ which is unlike me rn, but was concerned.

Ah…aircond~~