Posts from the “Daily” Category

I want beef

Bought nearly a week’s worth of vegetarian groceries for my meal plan.

Got my period. Immediately regret. Added two chicken sausages to the week.

I need to write about going to the art gallery for the performance. Awan putih. Soft. Foldable. Energy.

Saw Yas drink nearly ten shots of tuak today. I had one last night and was already so done, I tataulah apa akan terjadi if I drank all that. Might be literally under the table.

Huge dinner. Accidentally huge. Nina was late so we ended up ordering many starters to stave off the hunger. Mata lebih besar dari perut. First day of period. Like that lah.

Finished off all Brilliant event tasks! And did an efficient round in the supermarket. Yas showed me a whole shelf of hand soaps but I thought I was looking at dishwashing liquid and got a bit upset that my brand wasn’t there. I thought it was because I was in a bougie supermarket, I tak perasan that actually I bodoh.

Got there five minutes early, which is my favourite kind of punctuality and made me quietly happy. Visited the former art gallery next door. My name used to be written on that wall, top of the stairs.

Now its a chic shop with retro goods, essential oils, tarot cards and artisanal soy sauce. I think I never really stepped foot in there, partially sakit hati, partially cautious it would make me sad to see a blank wall, symbolising erasure of an era.

Rescinded my membership from the largest professional travel writing organisation. It had taken proof of official bylines to get in (I mean, low bar, but not at the time I joined). But the more I think about the issues I’ve not considered in travel writing, the more I think this is a permanent question mark.

No point staying subscribed to the job opportunities if I cannot approach it as I’m comfortable.

I should make barley water for mum. (And myself).

Played the girls a clip of my mansplainy AI voice text reader but Nina says AI these days are seductive women. Maybe I should look into whether there are custom voices for my screen reader?

Talked to the girl. I am so direct, she can be quite oblique. 80% of our conversations is me trying to figure out what she’s leading me to infer.

Mungkin aku tak pandai ๐Ÿ˜•. Mungkin aku tak pasti sebab aku tak pandai ๐Ÿ˜ฅ.

I think I’ve landed correctly but entahlah, guessing is still guessing.

Found an old email. Much belated realisation that I was possibly* responsible for a girl’s worst date ever and didn’t even know it. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

I don’t remember much but I cringe hard over every detail I do recall.

*possible and probable.

“Meeting lesbians after mass”

Pets puji me for (unwittingly) pushing her to be nicer to the people she helps out at work and tbh I don’t think that’s the effect I want to have on her because I will definitely think about this moment the next time she’s overextended.

Says I’d make a good therapist if I were more calculative. Not sure what she means about calculative but pretty sure I should never be a therapist.

Chikin rice, but not at the place I wanted to go. Coffee.

The ex sent me a test for autism spectrum and also this video, and I’m……is this a hint or two or what

on the one hand this is interesting. on the other, this kind of feels like one of those forced lgbt theses things every queer ends up reading just to defend against random transphobes.


  • Squat press with a round weight
  • Walking lunges
  • Crawls
  • Step ups 12
  • Planks
  • Side lunges
  • TRX
  • This was a much easier workout than I thought. PT said it was a less technical workout. Mmg only one of them involved weights.
  • I appreciate easing back into the workouts. I didn’t even have a glucose dip! I guess I didn’t lose as much fitness as I thought while he was in Sicily/Europe.
  • He showed me a pic of a spectacular pizza crust. A puffy side that looks entirely like an air pillow, but with the structural integrity to hold its shape.
  • I have not smelled sweaty like this in a long time. There’s a milky, powdery smell to my workout sweats than I don’t get from just waking about.

    HPWU Brilliant events is happening today, but it is also Hungry Ghost festival and I don’t think I should risk it.

    Feels stupidly superstitious, but also; why continue the annual bad luck streak? I’ve tried to be mindful since that time in a midvalley cinema when B walked by an acquaintance, smiled and kept walking before eventually realising that friend had passed away.

    Rachel Aaron’s Minimum Wage Magic is quite fun. Just started it but the living magical city filled with interesting characters is captivating.

    Done with the book! Will def pick up the sequel at some point. Even with the cheesy cishet romance that reminds me of Stephanie Plum’s life.

    Ideally we respect the army by giving its personnel a living wage and just working environment. Not by arguing about whether or not the army serves, and how much glory our agong should receive.

    The Age of Surveillance Capitalism is such a heavy ready after something as light as Minimum Wage Magic.

    The information is presented in dense sentences. I wouldn’t be able to cut out many words, and I can be a fairly efficient editor for these types of writing. But when it strays into the personal, it gets annoying. I’ve built up a pace, an attention, now is not the time for a meandering detour.

    I wish it’d pick a side. Straight up facts, or a Mary Roach-esque entertainment approach to tackling dense subjects. I wonder if it’s the writer challenging our typical ideas of how these books should sound in a male-dominated landscape. Or an insecurity, a flinch.

    Maybe I’m too lightweight as a reader tonight.

    Swam at N’s place. The pool was so dirty I spent more time plucking leaves and debris out of the water. It might be school holidays, so many kids around lately.

    Met Bell for hotpot, and then we ran errands together. Such a nice feeling to knock off everything on my list in good company.

    Wanted to swim this evening but the unceasing rain ruined those plans. Curse global warming.

    PT is back from his travels. I scared.

    A had been a bit ๐Ÿ‘€ that I don’t do anything when he’s not around. I don’t think my swimming will make up for an actual workout.

    Also semi worried preworkout routine wont come as naturally.

    Been cooking zucchini pasta. I like it. No more lemons, I don’t want the acidity or brightness or lifting it or whatever.

    Going through Billion Dollar Whale and the rage is real.

    I Accio-ed a fresh sunny side up onto a slice of fluffy black (charcoal?) toast.

    All my plans today were either delayed by others or straight up hancur. Malaysians and time. How do I plan my day if you can’t tell me when anything starts or ends? ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

    Sometimes I’m grateful that theatre and pming has made me far more physically punctual than the average Malaysian, but I worry that the attitudes here will creep up and erode it. Also, like not jiving with people lah. I think hours and minutes to Malaysians are not metric measurements. It’s some wavey feeling concept that can be affected by traffic, weather, depression, lepakness and so on. The list is long.

    It bugs me when people I dah ajak are off by entire hours, disrupting my whole day.

    Ate a specific meal so my glucose levels wouldn’t be attacked today, and then I didn’t get to work it off as planned even though I gave Ly a whole hour buffer in my planning. So terlebih instead with no outlet ๐Ÿคจ

    Wonder if Berlin is better with time? Surely. I’ll find out in a few months.

    Had a nice nyonya dinner, looking forward to returning. Petai omnomnom. Dinner with L and A. They are a bit curious about my dating life. Takdepe pun๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ.

    Same dry season, oh well. Talked about overachieving relatives that make other people look bad. A forgot orgasm book. Should do lunch and pick it up. Quite a lunch errand.

    Picked up a set of keys today. New old place.

    Experiencing buyers remorse that I bought cempedak instead of cempedak madu.

    On the plus side, I bought prawns and I think I’m gonna have two good pasta sessions tmr.

    Must remember phone bills tmr.

    I can feel my world shifting. Nads says it’s because of a new moon. Not my kind of woo woo, but I’ll take it.

    Swam 16 laps today. My goggles tertanggal rubber and there was a satay party right by the pool. The dry bbq air messed up my throat and I developed a small persistent cough from a throat tickle. It was additionally annoying because it reminded me of actually being sick and I’ve taken care not to be in public spaces when I’m a vector. Now it looks like I’m doing exactly that.

    I can feel my stamina improving marginally. My body can also feel out my speed and adjust for a smoother swim. But not my lungs capacity is not increasing as I had wanted.

    Maybe I’m just born with like a tiny baby pair of lungs I know this can’t be true but it feels like it.

    Overdue lunch date because taurean friend needed to talk. We usually agree on principles but this one turned out to be an emotional talk.

    I suggested therapy because anyone who can afford therapy should get it.

    Hung out with another Taurean, had salads for dinner and she needed to talk too. Even more emotional than the first, which was red-eyed enough.

    Wasn’t totally prepared for it but it launched full speed ahead while we were in the car, so we ended up doing the full talk for over an hour before I realised I had slowly warming seafood stinking up the car.

    I suggested therapy because anyone who can afford therapy should get it.

    Talked with girl and it suddenly turned into an emotional audit and more emotional work.

    I don’t think I should have gone ahead with this one because I’m so emotionally drained, but also it would just be easier to sleep at night than have it hanging over me that she Wants To Talk About Something.

    Ended up talking about time and care and how J and I are talking in circles without her.

    Can’t have therapy because can’t afford therapy. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

    So exhausted to have three big talks today, and I didn’t know any of them would be coming my way. I just wanted to swim and unwind, meet the ex to collect a yoga mat, clean the house.

    If I don’t see a shred of feelings from anyone else tmr it would be o.k. with me. I am overloaded ๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ and I have homework from the girl.

    Girl thought I was embarrassed about liking her which is… ? ๐Ÿค” Hard no.

    We are in the SCK house. There are two theatre shows that I want to catch here. One is in the bottom living area of the house, where an interactive show will happen. Audience members will each sit at one mahjong table where an actor is planted. You can actually play mahjong for real but the actors will play characters who know each other in a mahjong hall and interact with each other. It will be a boisterous show. This show is happening next week.

    I open the back door. Cloud and Sharon look up. This is a shower area. They are in one shower stall each but distressed. Blood on the floor. Before I ask one of them peeks out from behind the shower curtain and complains that the people showering before them had their period and made a mess they did not clean up. I want to acknowledge this and leave, but decide it’s not safe that they don’t lock this back alley door. I enter, close the door behind it.

    It is now a back kitchen area. Some friends arrive. At some point I tell them I lived in this house for two years. We are planning a trip. What shows are on. I wander the house. Exit the house, it’s no longer SCK but some large terrace. I’m going round the back and I see a dog. Happy.

    Another kind of pet too.

    I see people in wooden expensive lodges. Mandi sungai and I see two houses with happy dogs soaking in the stream. We arrive, our bus. I pack things into my backpack and the borrowed one. The venue has swing dancing and a concert. Yvonne is collaborating with another woman singer. Big screens, two of them, suspended high. One singer’s face on each screen. We can see everything going on. Hear everything. But to stand right in front of the stage there’s a fee. Sharon grabs my elbow and says she’s going in, I tell her I won’t be paying the cover.

    There’s a concrete floor dance hall. A lot of men are learning to shuffle along to the basic steps, learning swing dance. I walk by them.

    There is another show. A dancey performance. I’ve seen it before. Now I’m performing in it. I might be a man, one of those that annoys others on sight. Hippie robes and man bun, carrying a pole. My pole has a plastic bag at the end. I am sparring with a woman who defends. She is blind so the plastic on our poles help her to locate where I’m moving. She’s wearing white robes too. I jab and feint at her — she’s wearing a (?) around her neck that I’m trying to get.

    I want to know when I’ll be seeing her again. Girl asks me if I know anyone there. I say only J is in that area.

    As we were walking away in the golden hour, the huge cumulonimbus cloud is backlit with a rainbow and a gentle golden light.

    Babi. If I could have a new superpower, could it be something simple, like not being allergic to my sweat?

    Am I allergic to other people’s sweat too? ๐Ÿค”

    Met Annie for dinner. Always good fun. Learn her weighted system for going out, which I think is a useful alternative to my habitual path of least resistance.

    Spent so much time talking about how much we love to be at home. In our 30s, across from the table from each other, the quality time is more meaningful. We could have both chosen Netflix.

    CT said I’m the only person he knows who still attends events.

    Talking friendship and strategy over ice cream. Better than the intimacies we regret.

    I learn from her all the time; that it’s okay and possible to start over.

    Finally sorted out everything ahead of the electrician. Got what the landlord calls a “fancy switch”, which is really just a 3-way RM2.50 switch that functions.

    On the one hand I love that even the newly installed fixtures in this house are pre-used, because I have all the middle class guilts. But on the other, for God’s sakes the switches should last more than one use.

    I can’t pretend his intentions were for anything besides being cheap.

    Water heater’s finally getting fixed tomorrow (should be, anyway). I hope it stays fixed. Pretty hard to say with this contractor. He tends to patch things on the surface, just long enough to claim the work is done.

    First time deep frying food. Went for a selection of vegetables. Wasn’t sure how to handle the flour, pretty sure I messed that up.

    Thought my seasoning was heavy handed but it came out just nice.

    Salt. Ginger + turmeric + white pepper. Tastes a bit KFCish especially when the oil got more gross.

    Don’t think I can get over the amount of oil it takes. Tasty, but unlikely to repeat anytime soon.

    Had it with the organic sabahan red rice Eli got me, and cili padi sauce from Pets.

    The unhealthiest meal I’ve cooked in a long time (ever?) and it was vegetarian!

    Been making pretty dramatic brunches for myself. Picked up some ham and English breakfast muffin when I was at the supermarket with Yas. Maybe I’m pmsing?

    I have remained so angry and upset about the recent tiff.

    Came home to find the road blocked by a lorry. Waited a while, but they weren’t doing anything. Driver was talking with neighbour inside.

    Wound down my window and asked if they could park to the side (like everyone else on the goddamn road) so I could go by.

    They said to wait, killed the engine and started rearranging items within the lorry. Huge bottles. ๐Ÿ˜‘

    I asked to be allowed to go through again. The driver comes out and yells at me to wait, can’t I see they have things to do.

    I point out that they could have parked to the side to do all this. They ignore me and start pulling out a fridge. They can’t figure out how to move it. It takes a long time. They get it down. There’s a whole lorry of shit remaining to move. This is nuts. Why can’t they just let me through first, this is the only fucking access road.

    I kill my engine on the spot and get out of the car. This pisses off the driver and he immediately confronts me to ask how he’s going to get out later if I block the road. Rich.

    I ask him again to move the lorry and allow me passage first. He refuses. He says he’s talking properly to me, his body language is aggressive and I am immediately mirroring him. Oh, this stings his ego: I walk right by him to confront my new neighbour, his client. She is very apologetic. Tell her this is not cool, taking up the whole street when your movers can park to the side (and closer to your home at that, hello ๐Ÿ™„). I ask her if she can get her movers to stop blocking the entire road.

    Hostile driver tells me I have to speak nicely to him (wasn’t even speaking to him), and played the bumiputera card. He told me this is Malaysia, and as he is from Malaysia (like I’m not) he demanded I speak politely when talking to him again because he is local. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

    He saw the race thing wasn’t working. Then he demanded to know which school I am from because he is from LaSalle that is how local he is to PJ. After that cheap pendatang implication, ugh. What, if I don’t give you opportunity to flex on how our ICs mean different things in this land, you’re gonna go for school?

    An unreasonable part of me arose in indignation. We are down the road from a highway named after my relative for crying out loud. I am integrated here; this taman is full of my friends and relatives, I’m on the RA, and ffs my family is insufferably full of VI alumni. LaSalle? We pull boys out of LS and force them to enrol in VI (it’s stupid and it annoys me to even be reminded of this family thing), that’s all I damn well know of LS.

    I refuse to be reduced into justifying my existence and place here. Even if I were a bright shiny new immigrant, none of those flexes from him would be okay. I refuse.

    And your school? Ugh.

    His uncomfortable assistants asked me to move my car. I asked if that meant they would move their car and they said yes. So they did. He puffed out his chest (l i t e r a l l y) and followed my direction as I walked by. I am at least a foot taller so I just ๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ˜. I can tell from how he wants to physically intimidate me that being short must bug him. Too fucking bad.

    The assistants moved the lorry at the side of the road, that deed they somehow claimed physically impossible, had outright laughed at me when I suggested it. So I got home. What a waste of my energy.

    I can’t believe some dude played the bumi card and flexed about the secondary school he was from.

    My dear dude. Our schools have competed before. We won. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐ŸŒˆ. But since you’re racist and stuck in your school whatever glory days and pick fights with strangers who don’t follow your unsolicited instructions, please continue to live as an ignorant loser.

    The mandoline I ordered online arrived tomorrow. I’m such a loser but I’m very anxious that they have the matchstick blade I want so that the vegetable spirals I make don’t come out penyet, but like long rectangular noodles. ๐Ÿคž๐Ÿป

    So far I’ve only found this particular julienne blade from the very old mandoline in Ipoh. Don’t know if this is still being made.

    Tried to tell Nads I’m going to bed (Jesus it’s 1am) but she insists on steak. She’s so enthused she’s going to spoon it into my unconscious mouth.

    It is her Taurus way of contributing when she’s feeling helpless. So I guess steak and broccoli it is.

    L said she misses her partner snoring in her ear, so I’ll be pleased to do her a favour tonight.

    M said she had a whole box of new vibrators to give away but who would want them anyway, and we shot up our hands to volunteer.

    On the plus side three women praised my butt for being cute. On the minus, i immediately developed allergies on my butt. Maybe I’m literally allergic to praise.

    An intervention. Defensive/dishonest. She allowed us to believe another timeline.

    We didn’t cast a value judgement on what would have been the truth, but I guess she did and blocked it away preemptively.

    It’s not about you. Read the signs. Signs are symptoms not behaviour tics for audit and corrections.

    Told the girl but it triggered her.๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ

    Listened to CT misgender his cats, me and his wife repeatedly in consecutive sentences without realising. It, and thinking at some point, he is going to get extra in trouble with a non-cis person