What a slow start to the day. Took me forever to roll out of bed, make toast and coffee, layan the cats. It’s a bit cold at night these days, which I don’t handle so well.

I’ve been getting a mosquito bite nearly every day, which makes me flip out about dengue.

Went with C to gym.

Had keropok lekor and limau ais kosong next door at the food stall. Some kids too young to have motorcycles pulled up, making silly jokes. They were drawing attention, and enjoying it. One of the kids had floppy hair, skinny jeans, and a Bo55ku sticker on his bike.

As he backed his motorcycle out, he knocked over the stall owner’s motorcycle. He looked up and saw us watching him. Too many witnesses, fuck. He initially apologised, but after realising the front casing was cracked and a side mirror had fallen off, started avoiding responsibility.

The stall owner was upset and he asked his partner to deal with it. Later he smoked with me and said his beef was because the kid wouldn’t even take responsibility, apologise and pay what he could. Then he said he was going to go to the kid’s house tonight and slap him in front of his father.

Holy sheeeet. I was too curious to de-escalate the situation. Not sure I could have anyway, and not where I want to spend my energy.

Watched C duck around J.

I was staring at my phone when J asked me if I was staring at C like a Jabber. I felt my face go red, but I think it didn’t show to anyone with the dim yellow lighting. Ugh why is she so amused about this.

Jabber is following C around 🤦🏻‍♂️ with a huge happy grin on his face.

Is that what J thinks I look like? Aku kena bertaubat ke? Fish tank with the dog and cats?

Had my usual pork soup for lunch. Nai pak and bittergourd 💕. Got J curry mee, which she barely ate 😒. Gave her brie, which she 😌 didn’t even eat 😒😒.

Asked J when she was leaving and she laughed at me and asked if I’m feeling needy. Only moderately needy and I think I’ve been very good about it 😐.

J says i can swap her out with my current happiness when she is back. J bought canned fish for us again! Yayyyyy. She said she didn’t cry much at her last meeting and I asked why she was being so macho. C says I pout when I talk with her 🤷🏻‍♂️

Ugh I’m so worried about how this woman works so constantly. At least she had a proper dinner.

Music, simple soup dinner, much joy and giggles. Post-dinner conversations and cigarette before she left for another (I presume) intense conversation.

I don’t know how to tell her this is not a competition. A person cannot be a trophy, this is not a race, I am not running alongside you, this is a gross way to treat people can we not please and don’t assume I’m in this too. But can I say this if I don’t feel we are equally stable?

Caught some time with Pets, my sounding board, moral compass and guiding light. Needed an outside view on whether I am overstepping even as I try not to.

Got a carefully considered pass, as did C. But shared our worries about what we see in our friend, her chart and her behaviour.

Pets says the important thing is to remember the point is to empower the people I care for, not to protect on their behalf. That would be some macho bullshit anyway.

And to remember that the weak and ill can still be manipulative because that is an access to power. I can’t just presume innocence due to ignorance, esp when it’s indistinguishable from grooming. A part of me does still just want to tell her off, what are you doing, stop grooming straight women and trespassing boundaries that have been explicitly stated. But will we speak the same language? It’s good I checked in, before I enter meathead territory.

I will focus on managing myself and making my support available if necessary. Ugh, a test.

But also you’re so much older than me, why is this even a thing

Sleepy at home. Settling laundry, that eternal challenge.

Grey is so upset with me lately.

Chi chi bought salt bake herbal chicken for me! 💕💕💕

Hugged goodbye and locked my hands around her, which was hilarious, but also maybe I need to reflect 🤔