Archive for February, 2019

daily gratitudes

– that I have a working car, even if it insists on giving me trouble every time I use it for this organisation.

– work that brings happiness; beautiful, talented and imaginative people; and safe spaces into my daily life. People who care for each other and do not take anyone for granted.

— friends who trust and let me in when they seek privacy, or want company in difficult spaces. Don’t want to take this for granted.

— I have people to talk to about my frustrations who understand.

— my family’s brusque hand that means well when it reluctantly stretches out. When I think of how ill-suited it is for cooperation and help, I choose to land on the side that they’re trying.

— Pets birthday, and met JC today. The psychics who see more and guide me.

— weird sex stories and endless cackling good energy.

— being hosted in a very green and cold space. Organising the space in return. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a workshop space, but there’s a side to me that enjoys preparing everything unseen. A headspace for facilitating.

I suppose my thread the past few days have been people. Makes sense. I’ve been meeting so many interesting academics and activists this week.

Let’s face it, a Japanese company invented mayonnaise. White people were just making prototypes.

The best and most dire sight this week:

Three men on the Karak highway, under a “DILARANG MENJAJA DI SINI” sign, waving bunches of petai dangling from a long pole at passing cars.

daily gratitude

– pockets of quality time with good friends today. The friendships that lasted over (sometimes minimal but) intense contact through many years, and borders, and personal issues.

– Popped out of my introversion for a few hours to mingle in a room, however awkwardly. Got a job offer. I don’t usually talk so much in a day. Interesting change of pace.

(Realised I know J’s pre-panel habits so well by now, I can anticipate what to get for her 10 mins before her session if I want to.)

Mostly talked with people I don’t see often. It feels good to get out of a bubble sometimes, see what the rest of the world is up to.

It is also pleasing to have comfortable friendships, and so many in a room. I could have been better behaved today. I did what I could manage. Leftover full moon peskiness and belligerence.

– I am grateful for the path Katagender friendships has led me on. I still feel like an outsider insider, but in a comfortable way.

– I am grateful for my privileges. My mostly hidden or managed disabilities/disease, my opportunity to find work without being seen as less human than the rest of the labour force, to not be trafficked, or a refugee.

A single atheist mostly-unemployed cis lesbian nearly-minority ethnicity with paper documents. I could be doing better in the kyriarchy, but also so much worse.

I dare not make any grand commitments — I’ll start with the small, and the simple, and listen along the way.

Today was full of reminders of what I have that others do not, what I lack, and the bridges and spaces we have to build so we can share everything one day.

– Tried to meditate for my 2nd session today. 6-minutes overall, but I forgot what i was doing by the second minute, and a few more times after that. Nearly fell asleep towards the end, had to really fight it.

But I’m glad I didn’t forget to continue the efforts. 18 more sessions to go.

– My house is quite clean today when visitors came over!

– dubious setting of the space and protocols, but the intention to make it a safe-space today was appreciated. It’s a good start for the early years and I hope it develops well.

If I were to draw a thread for the gratitudes today, it would be for the good connections that feed the soul. With friends, society, home and heart.

Experiencing love makes it easier to see when I am loving in my actions. And when I’m not. Crucially, it also makes it easier to see when a relationship I have with someone is not based on love, trust and/or respect. I feel like some fuzzy unaddressed emotional things have sharpened so much into view this year. How do I work in my investments in unloving spaces? Do I (channel Nad and) β€˜just fucking push through it man’, and should I even? I don’t think it’s something I can do if I question myself. Meaning the first step is to resolve how I want to be in a space.

Reflection and meditation can only help. The more I think about this, the more I realise I want the skills associated with meditation, and to be able to apply them in other areas. An investment in self-awareness.

I want to be even more direct, more open in some ways. To think of ways to give more, or give better, and also to know when to withhold in unsuitable company. It’ll be okay. In the end, it’s about loving myself and others more.

I THINK. Am I learning these things too late.

J said I have to find my nourishment. I wonder what I’ll find.

Rakuzen / M / Ruang / Heng Kee

Tried a meditation and didn’t fall asleep. A minor achievement.

I felt a pain in my neck that I had not been aware of before. Maybe it’s connected to my hand’s sprain.

I’ll do a 20-day programme. Maybe I’ll learn something new.

Lunch date! Makan Jepun, because she hasn’t in a while. Thought she would be busy with rehearsals, but apparently not.

Dropped her off at a new place in Hartamas. Was too malas to enter because I had plans after.

I forgot to collect marry me meehoon yesterday ☹️. So sad.

Why does your pick up game involve trying to make other people look worse. This insecurity is why she pulls away from you πŸ˜‘πŸ˜‘πŸ˜‘

Went for the festival in KL today to address some IWD March issues.

Things were standard issue until we started discussing sex work, domestic work, and trafficking reparations excluding sex trafficking survivors 😱. Shit got real.

Had a 3-hour headache because some witches were burning stuff nearby. I approached her later

  • This thing you’re burning has given me a 3-hour headache
  • Oh, it’s to get rid of negative energy.

I think I secreted more negative energy after that encounter. Thank goodness Liy was there and after getting past some of her complaints, I managed to wrangle a head rub from her. She hates giving me head rubs now that I gel my hair.

The L Word saliva chart started getting a bit overwhelming. Ex, pseudo ex, never an ex, and not rly ex all standing in. One. Line.

KL is so rimas.

Got myself a funny new revolusis T-shirt, and tried out this breast lump detection simulation thing. My boobs feel kinda like the fibroid example ☹️.

Dinner with Taiwan, Jnr and Jrm!

Taiwan is trying to eat less meat, and clearly those wishes were not respected.

Gave her a spritz bottle of mozzie repellant. Just in time, the tube I gave her the last time is running out.

daily gratitudes

– got a laugh because Bella put eyeliner on me some days back and I can’t tell if it’s still there or not.

– let go of nonsense temptation for Kinokuniya merchandise. Purchased The Weight of Our Sky ebook. I could have waited but I’m also happy to just have it.

– Spent time with AA, discussed her future plans. Had a lovely time at dinner together. I’m so grateful for such fine company on such short notice.

I tried doing a rundown of Cantonese cuisine. Hope I didn’t muck it up.

3yee described to AA the hak chong yu recipe she got from taxi driver uncle. Hak chong with turmeric leaves, turmeric powder, and onion and garlic. Ugh I miss that dish of hers so much. My favourite.

We had peach resin for dessert.

You know how white people do nose to tail dining like they invented it? We should also do root to resin, show them how Asians eat their plants. Or roots to shoots?

Had a fun nonsense photo shoot.

  • I want to wear that.
  • Of course you want to.
  • I actually already have a photo of myself wearing that.
  • Of course you do.

Came back just in time to yum seng the strangers getting married.

– WS and NN passed me more children’s books! So much generosity (I definitely caught a Konmari wave too).

– an uncle at the wedding dinner told me where to get really nice fish in Teluk Intan. AA dropped some Sekinchan tips, and showed me a really beautiful book she’s reading that I had eyed before.

– I’m good at plot twists! I guessed the future of TLP and got it right first try.

– J gave me some of her groceries, because I’ve bailed her out on other times. πŸ₯°

– Have started on a journey of making excellent spiced coffee. I can make a drink with decent layers, and it’s so easy it feels like cheating.

Now that I’ve zoomed out, I see today’s gratitude revolves around books, food, and the people (women) who make my life better.

My day somehow feels even richer as I look back, when I think of this. Huh. Didn’t think this would work so well and immediately. That’s why la, so sceptical for what? Not clever also.

2.5 mugs

Coffee spice mix notes

  • 2–3 star anise
  • 5 cinnamon sticks
  • 7-10 cardamom pods
  • 3-4 twists from black pepper shaker
  • Some cloves (5–8?)
  • 2 inch skinny dried ginger

Next round:

Boil spices first, add coffee, simmer. Reduce amount of spices but maintain overload of cinnamon.

Way too much spices. 1 inch ginger. 2 star anise. Bitterness subsides with heat. 10 mins for spices, 1 for coffee.

Learn to balance rest first, then cinnamon, then eventually work in white pepper.

For tea:

Boil the milk too, and for longer. Less water. Less ginger.


CT came over to play with the NES sim. I found some games I had forgotten existed!

Karateka. Contra. Tennis. Bicycle racing. Played Ice Climbers together πŸ€—

Mahjong πŸ’•. Lost again πŸ˜”. I want to play an all-day mahjong game.

Broke in my set, figuring out the layout for the table was easier than I thought. This house doesn’t have much space but with some jiggling, it is adequate.

Grey was all over J for butt pats. Found ashtrays in the table. My table is slippery smooth.

Played more chordaidee after CT left.

I’d been asking J to teach me her 2P chordaidee, but the moment she started dealing the cards, I recognised it. A forgotten memory that snapped back into sight, whole.

My new bag cards are officially broken in, along with house mahjong. Good, satisfy. Feeling Cina.

J was surprised I have spare towel and kain pelikat at home and that’s just…πŸ€”

I should stop noticing her height. Bugs her.

Grey tried to prison break the entire time and when I scolded her, she scolded me back. No repentance at all.

Salted egg cornflakes, unadorned kueh kapit, roasted sweet potatoes. Technically, that makes this a potluck.

J said I should do food blog, but I don’t think I’d be good. It’d be so much work to just describe how one noodle is different from another.

I guess I could write non-format about food.

Between the NES games and the card games that I didn’t even know I had forgotten, until I remembered them, I’m worried about my brain’s future. It can’t possibly be getting better πŸ˜’

Reza came and mumbled something and I just made some agreeable hrming nodding gestures and he left. Then he came back much later.

He had been waiting in his car for me to move mine so he could get out πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

daily gratitudes

– A decent attempt at a new and very spicy chai, my first since going sugar-free. Added black pepper, and switched out fresh for dried ginger, Darjeeling for Sabah tea. I don’t know if I’ll sleep tonight.

– set up the new oven; roasting a chicken and potatoes tonight. Might even make a gravy! And a fresh salad with lemon infused oil and cherry + aged balsamico

– I beat a sniffly nose all on my own! The dry cough is next. My immunity so rarely overcomes.

– Mahjong night with J and CT πŸ’•

– Cleaned out the whole yard and kitchen today. Spent an hour just sweeping up leaves. Tidied up the living room a bit, moved furniture around to create more space. It better reflects how it is used now.

Cleaned the cat area as well. I was so satisfied when I looked at the yard that was once blanketed in leaves, and all I saw was surface.

– paying better attention to how I spend my time.

– Watched Umbrella Academy and Sex Education, both were solid entertainment.

I had been feeling disconnected from my own space lately. It was getting difficult to leave the house and when I did, some of the gratitude was the escape from my own home. It is not how I want to feel about my home.

My room got upturned when I prepared for the hospital and it never really recovered. I had been neglecting the house and my health.

Now I feel good about turning my health around, and inviting good energy into the house.

Maybe I should burn some incense.

This is my first time doing gratitude journaling, and it was helpful. Prompt came from the 2019 calendar by Dhiyanah.

Managed to drag myself out to the chiropractor for my sprained wrist and finger — I saw no immediate improvement this time.

I was hoping a quick tug of my finger would set it. Still, it’s been a few hours and my finger is more mobile. I dare not test my wrist.

Eric says it’s my neck causing it — this is the first time he’s ever told me a cause. Our sessions are usually terse.My posture has been worse lately.

Met Yas for dinner. We managed to leave our comfort zone of hot pot, for a Korean restaurant immediately next door.

The bill came up higher than I anticipated, so I’ll be eating at home more for a while. Still, I am happy.

Sweet potato roasted on charcoal was the piece de resistance. Starchy, sweet, thick — purple skin blackened on the coals and roughly split open to reveal a gorgeous, vibrant yellow of jagged and sticky potato filling.

  • It’s beautiful. Like we are going to place jewels on it.
  • Or a stick of butter.

We agreed butter and jewels are comparable, although I may be more partial to the former. Even as the burnt skin cracked onto my fingers I tried to scrape the rest of the yellow flesh out.

Told Yas I flung a lighter at a car earlier today and couldn’t blame my period. I am quite aggro today, not sure why. That said, this car pushed me out of my lane, didn’t signal, and became more aggressive when I honked.

In my heart, the lighter I threw enters the grill and bursts into flames.

Yas told me to make sure my aim is true next time. Well, I made up for the half-assed throw with some old fashioned middle finger flipping, so there’s that.

Hell is other people.

Got a “wtf?” because I’ve only recently discovered Gillian Anderson’s immense sex appeal.

I love being a lesbian, but I’m kinda not talented at all the actual lesbian stuff involving being attracted to women.

Did groceries. Was so inspired by the sweet potato, I’m picking up a few to roast in the oven. Don’t think I’ll get the same effect, and I’m not good at picking out tubers. Still, purple skinned is a good start.

I’m finally going to roast a chicken here. It’s taken me so long. It’s usually how I break into a house for the first time, how I welcome myself into my new home. Ever since Lols taught me this when I was trying to find my place in Melbourne. I never really did, but a good roast chicken does have the comfort of home.

Tomorrow is the time.

Went to nursing home. Introduced mum to her new splint, which she approves of.

She tried to talk to me about her Midsomer show and how blah blah blah this season but I am so sick and tired of how much she whined for the thumbdrive containing the series, to the point she rejected the Netflix and TV when I purchased it. I didn’t even want to look at the screen.

The home remedies I’ve been advised to give to mum come with the side suggestion that we are choosing her paraplegia. A miracle cure is just some turmeric powder and fruit enzymes away. Sometimes it’s a sales pitch. Others, good intentions steeped in ignorance.

I don’t have the strength to explain we have tried the turmeric and the fruit enzymes, the breast milks and strange powders, various anti-inflammatory spices and all sorts of health foods in the entire spectrum of cooling or heaty humours.

What we need is for spinal cord nerves to regenerate and heal.

Going to meditate and read tonight. Good plan πŸ‘

Oh god, I make one irritated remark and some guy is seriously explaining to me the qualifications required for titles in Malaysia FFS

I am feeling very nakal tonight

Pets says it’s because of the full moon. Or I’m a werewolf.

Chap Goh Mei

What a good day so far.

Went to sip tai sui at the Guan Di temple. I was awkward because the rituals, language and atmosphere are near alien to me. My channels were closed so tight a breath of air wouldn’t have made it through, but hopefully a prayer did.

In the span of 15 minutes, there were two lion dances. How indulgent.

I wrote my Chinese name for aunty and she asked me for my Chinese calendar birthday. I don’t even remember what Chinese year it is now, much less when I was born.

I didn’t understand or hear most of what the sifu did on my behalf. The little I did catch made me realise my Cantonese is too basic anyway.

Messed up some of the parts, I hope these rituals are forgiving.

Went to the optician shop with CT and was offered a free cleaning service for my glasses. Not sure why they did, but yay, my glasses are so sparkly clean even my vision feels sharper πŸŽ‰.

Visited the spice shop i had been meaning to go to for years, but either my memories are inaccurate or it wasn’t the one I intended. Argh I hope I make a good masala chai.

CT brought me to eat XLB at Din Tai Fung, before cooking dinner for me tonight. Snacking on homemade prawn crackers. He also gave me a bar of neem soap to try. Happiness.

Visited a cardboard factory, and a cardboard tube factory. Some of the machinery were from England.

Moorthy suddenly gave me a free art tube! He kept calling me a lady and insisted I have a chair to sit on.

I’ll be able to store my A3 posters properly πŸ€—

πŸ₯°πŸ₯° Got mobbed by a pack of puppies πŸ₯°πŸ₯°