– pockets of quality time with good friends today. The friendships that lasted over (sometimes minimal but) intense contact through many years, and borders, and personal issues.
– Popped out of my introversion for a few hours to mingle in a room, however awkwardly. Got a job offer. I don’t usually talk so much in a day. Interesting change of pace.
(Realised I know J’s pre-panel habits so well by now, I can anticipate what to get for her 10 mins before her session if I want to.)
Mostly talked with people I don’t see often. It feels good to get out of a bubble sometimes, see what the rest of the world is up to.
It is also pleasing to have comfortable friendships, and so many in a room. I could have been better behaved today. I did what I could manage. Leftover full moon peskiness and belligerence.
– I am grateful for the path Katagender friendships has led me on. I still feel like an outsider insider, but in a comfortable way.
– I am grateful for my privileges. My mostly hidden or managed disabilities/disease, my opportunity to find work without being seen as less human than the rest of the labour force, to not be trafficked, or a refugee.
A single atheist mostly-unemployed cis lesbian nearly-minority ethnicity with paper documents. I could be doing better in the kyriarchy, but also so much worse.
I dare not make any grand commitments — I’ll start with the small, and the simple, and listen along the way.
Today was full of reminders of what I have that others do not, what I lack, and the bridges and spaces we have to build so we can share everything one day.
– Tried to meditate for my 2nd session today. 6-minutes overall, but I forgot what i was doing by the second minute, and a few more times after that. Nearly fell asleep towards the end, had to really fight it.
But I’m glad I didn’t forget to continue the efforts. 18 more sessions to go.
– My house is quite clean today when visitors came over!
– dubious setting of the space and protocols, but the intention to make it a safe-space today was appreciated. It’s a good start for the early years and I hope it develops well.
If I were to draw a thread for the gratitudes today, it would be for the good connections that feed the soul. With friends, society, home and heart.
Experiencing love makes it easier to see when I am loving in my actions. And when I’m not. Crucially, it also makes it easier to see when a relationship I have with someone is not based on love, trust and/or respect. I feel like some fuzzy unaddressed emotional things have sharpened so much into view this year. How do I work in my investments in unloving spaces? Do I (channel Nad and) ‘just fucking push through it man’, and should I even? I don’t think it’s something I can do if I question myself. Meaning the first step is to resolve how I want to be in a space.
Reflection and meditation can only help. The more I think about this, the more I realise I want the skills associated with meditation, and to be able to apply them in other areas. An investment in self-awareness.
I want to be even more direct, more open in some ways. To think of ways to give more, or give better, and also to know when to withhold in unsuitable company. It’ll be okay. In the end, it’s about loving myself and others more.
I THINK. Am I learning these things too late.
J said I have to find my nourishment. I wonder what I’ll find.