Archive for January, 2019

I don’t think I’ll continue burning joss sticks after this pack finishes. I prefer the perfume of my little potent yellow incense balls.

More important to get the mosquito netting up so we can open the windows at home.

Met Adri and Sab for dinner, got our watanhor and hokkien mee.

Now when we meet up we talk about our health, and the family they’re planning to start.

A productive meeting. All plans in the air for now.

Need to resume job hunting soon. Or commit to more freelance projects. Hope I get something shiny!

My phone is shattered at the back, a day before its new cover arrives.

It slipped off the counter because the idiot camera lens bulges out, preventing it from lying flat.

Big day tomorrow. Mum’s first outing that isn’t related to a hospital. Hopefully we don’t get too many questions that will annoy her. Hopefully we don’t get too much nonsense that will annoy me.

I am not in the mood. This is like a pre-CNY gathering, but I haven’t been feeling any of the festivities.

Ahhhh…got three gifts today — a much needed calendar, a beautiful painting of the eclipse cycle, and a book from northeast India. 🥰🥰🥰🥰

The book is in particular a welcome respite from the darkness of reading essays about Modi and Hindutva politics.

My boobs are in so much hurt right now 😐. Am I PMSing early

Many dead mosquitoes floating in the clean water of a toilet bowl.

Police outriders, sirens blaring.

As I groggily heated up oil to fry an egg for breakfast, I watched one long, thin white strand of cat fur gently float through the kitchen onto the pan, where it singed.

Thank you parking goddess for blessing me SO HARD today 🥰🥰

Curry mee lunch for mum’s birthday, with 4yee, uncle and cousin.

They were so charming, I’d return just to talk with them.

I’m at the counter to buy cigarettes.

Which are a nice alternative from other states to these cigarettes I have here?

This is a nice pack.

This is a nice pack.

I asked about a Sabahan cigarette and got scolding for what I didn’t know about Sabah and her cigarettes.


When I live in a house with storage space, my family is sure to pass on messages that I’m living above my station.

When I live in a house with no storage space, complain I don’t use it to store things on my mother’s behalf.

Actually, what you want?

What a frustrating day. I gave myself one day off, because the week is full otherwise, but so much of it was spent with my head cluttered.

I’m not sure being idle is how I relax. Maybe I should have done a day trip to Ipoh. (No, what a terrible idea).

Maybe it would have been better if I didn’t have so much contact with family to start the day.

Curry mee birthday lunch tomorrow.

Uncle’s birthday dinner after.

CNY visits.


Family family family.

Back to my projects tomorrow. Hitting the ground running.

My tarot cards are saying nice things and I’m tentatively…yay?

Everything but xlb at YFM.

Daph loves Ming Court. Rach loves Yoke Fook Moon. I love Foh San.

But more importantly, I love my friends; even when they’re making fun of my love languages test results. Showing our love to each other over food is familiar to me. We used to do this in college, before we knew life would leave us in such varying locations.

I unthinkingly squirted some chilli and tim jeong onto the plate. The realisation bummed me out — it’s an outsider habit I picked up from eating KL’s mediocre dim sum.

I remembered myself by breakfast the next day.


I guess now is as good a time as any to let the parents know I’m gay

Now that I look gay, and not straight passing, I learned my friends warned their parents before both funerals. Easing the way for both parties, I suppose.

The older sister said she could see it. Ra’s dad said oh. Ri’s mum said oh too. Bumped into boys who knew me from before. Only one mentioned how much I’ve changed. There was no conflict at all from the encounters.

I have always been taught since my teenage years that this circle is particularly conservative and patriarchal. It felt different to present as I do today.

My heart broke at the end of the night when aunty said I look and sound the same.

  • Babes we’re 36 we don’t have to hide from the dudes to smoke anymore
  • …
  • …
  • …
  • …
  • It would be weird
  • (It’s true, what if the brother sees us)

So we smoked at the side of the house.

She was shocked, and accidentally deleted the photo with a shadow of an extra face.

What happened? I was fine and now I need chocolate.

Having a puff on the balcony rooftop. We used to hide from the elders, two decades ago. Now we hide from their young children too.

We have one and a half helpers.

  • Never mind lah. Is she a good cook?
  • No. She can’t reach the stove.
  • 🤭😂🤭
  • my parents are never gonna say anything cause they’ll think it’s bad karma. So we’re fucking stuck.

On the drive back from a curry mee toast to him, holding a portrait.

  • Idiot.
  • Bloody fool.


Aunty said my laugh is still the same. She’s heard it since I was 15.

You all look the same. You’re all…still small.

The passing is tragic, and her grief heartbreaking. I know her son must have looked still small to aunty too.

A family that’s always loved each other.

Your siblings cannot be your friends during a funeral. They are grieving too.


This is the cost you bear for love. Where does it come from? In some of us, the origins are more mysterious.

An old man stares too hard at me, as I walk to the shower area. Makes note of the braless situation. I tell myself he’s too old to be an attack threat. But I know it is only improbable, not implausible.

When I exit the bathroom, a part of me is braced for defence.

I bet Alfred never has to worry about these things.

Returning over and over again to this: depression is not a personal failure.

Under the moon

My bag started out with some hope of being neatly packed and quickly declined. I sometimes travel like this but I am happiest when I have the time to pack everything as it should look.

I was so certain I’d take a train and stay in the hotel I booked and only now do I remember why these decisions are unwise. God help me.

It was meant to be a quiet day. Then the text came. Smiley has passed on. I keep thinking of the Smiley I knew. And the Smiley who struggled later on. Ammonia encephalopathy. I didn’t know this existed yesterday.

When I was a kid I knew there would be an age where many of the faces from my childhood would fade from life, but Smiley is just simply too…young. I thought it’d be our grandparents first. Come to think of it, I was the only one in the group with grandparents to lose.

JL can’t teman me this time, so I got train tickets. I don’t think I can make the drive alone, I’ve been really tired of being behind the wheel lately.

I now know that a face moisturiser is not supposed to tingle like a spicy mint.

Pets and Yas were quite appalled.

I also now know this is not a possible side effect of having not moisturised for years, although how they came to this conclusion when I doubt they’ve ever tested out the theory, idk.

Went to the wrong mall for dinner, because I have travel anxieties and would never have gone anywhere that wasn’t immediately next door to the train station.

But we did meet up after for some Godiva. I had the ice cream. I don’t understand the appeal. Like a slightly upgraded McDs cone.

I don’t get the appeal at allllll. But okay the chocolate stuff on the wafer cone was quite nice.

We hit the pharmacy cause the girls wanted to get some products. There were so many women inside, and a line of men waiting outside. I didn’t want to be with the men, so I went in, but then I realised I didn’t want to be in the way in this crowd. So I left to get a new red T-shirt for CNY.

Yas came over to find me in the men’s department gleefully trying on flannel shirts as it’s the lesbian cliche I do not own. I didn’t look good in flannel shirts ☹️ not even as a Cina datuk ☹️

Pets got me sugar free sweets for the train ride.

A gunshot so loud from the rooftops, I felt unsafe. The force of the explosion set off a car alarm next to us.

A large security guard peeked out. I asked him 🤷🏻‍♂️ and the guard replied 🤷🏻‍♂️. We 🤷🏻‍♂️ each other back and forth a few times. I asked if this was a usual occurence, he said no.

He pointed at the curry mee stalls far behind us as the source of the gunshot. I told him it actually came from the top of the building he’s guarding. 🤷🏻‍♂️.

I don’t think this is within his pay grade. My step quickens, I worry that whoever fired the shot has us in sight. Is this how people who live in the US feel?

It is a relief to get into the car.

It’s 4am and I can’t sleep. I accidentally napped on the train, somewhere between watching the episodes on the scorpion mouse, lobster and iguana in The Blue Planet.

I remember a time when we had to lie to ourselves about how many educational documentaries we would watch if we got that tv/satellite subscription.

We should be moving out of this hotel room soon.

Dbl rolls over on my bed and finds my vibrator. Holds it up between finger and thumb. I ask her if she’s familiar with the brand and she says yes. I grin and remove it from her hand. We’re not really affected.

We are trying to organise dinner with her parents. Tbh I’m not sure it’ll happen because they’re so difficult and reluctant to herd. We have them on speakerphone as we drive towards their hotel, and they’re really kinda being negative bitches. We can’t go in one car, being cramped in will make them a nightmare. We send the two brothers/boys (porters?) ahead in the cab to get the restaurant ready for our arrival.

At the restaurant. It is a white menu with black text. Very designed looking. We flip the western side over to see the Asian menu at the back. Cousin wants tofu dish and a veg. I wonder if I get to pick something too. I am curious about a dish in the starter section that is 100gm but very dear (RM64) compared to the others. The waiter explains it is a critically endangered flower, fleshy and big. Oh dear, people are paying for the privilege of being the last to consume it. I have a moment of wondering if I can save seeds from the dish to grow. I instinctively know it’s not possible. Human nature can be ugly and sad.

I wake up and my wrist doesn’t hurt. I’ve kept my hand bent in my sleep. I can rotate my hand. Bending it works better than icing it.


  • That’s so sweet
  • I don’t know if it is, I think she’s just trying to add colour to my wardrobe
  • Why, your personality isn’t enough?

  • What’s poly single even mean?
  • Fucking around.
  • But that’s just single.
  • But then you won’t know they fucking.

I now know how to gamble with chor dai dee, and I don’t know if I should unlearn it.

If you’re going to dilly dally so much, just don’t fucking come over. Don’t waste my time.

Today I put myself in the strange shoes of someone seeking a trophy girlfriend. Like buying a car others will admire, except it’s a person. Brrr.

My new name shall be Bainie and I shall date myself.

Accused again today for having a possessive spirit that haunts women who meet me. 😑

I doubt its truth but if it actually is, is this something I can pray away in a temple?