I’m not even close to her
Of course, you’ve never been.
It’s been months of being seen by my supposed obligations, and meeting expectations I disagree with. I have watched my life rapidly shrink. The only time I have personal space carved out, is when I point to work. I don’t think I’m a person anymore, just a role.
It must really suck to be doing this.
Her immediate clarity made a difference. I’m relieved, even if what she sees is my sinking. I repeatedly try to imagine a different history that would have eased this, but I don’t have the material. The relief made way for levity, and it was most welcome today. I love that the both of us have always been able to laugh about everything. We didn’t laugh about this, but we laughed around it, and one day we will be able to. Our connection lifts everything.
2018 has been difficult, a year of heavy emotional labours. I have lost friends, faith and stability. I watched opportunities go by — some even as I tried to hold on. I felt my stable, dependable mind break in September, saw the cracks, tried to find my balance and only lost more of it. I am worried about how emotional I have been, and the good luck that is my only safety net has disappeared.
I had a moment at the river. What do I need? Feeling like I need help in everything made me heartbroken. I am empty and strained. This is not my marathon, but it doesn’t seem to be anyone else’s.
If I am to continue, I need to think about how to approach this. Find a way where I’ll be okay. Recognise the legitimacy of my feelings, but learn new ways to have them. I have avoided this all my life, and I find myself now digging in my heels while being pushed in this new direction.
I close the year with a cloud hanging over my head. It’s difficult to see the rest of the sky, but I should try.
2018, the positives. Some stretching:
- I have an affordable home. My first purchase of bed and mattress, personal furniture.
- Personal fitness on a marked rise. Not prone to injuries as before.
- Discovering some minor interest in wearables.
- New friendships, and warmth.
- Decluttered some of my hoarding.
- Learned new skills, sharpened one writing style.
- Met every single work deadline, despite…circumstances.
- Clarity and boundaries.
- Partially talked about my childhood abuse with mom — the response was denial, erasure, and gaslighting. If I were abused we both were, therefore neither of us were abused. At least now I know.
- Gained much better understanding of myself.
- Reached the end of 2018.
A thin list, but it helps to do the work to see.
Literally at the last hour of 2018, I just realised 2006 was crushing, really fucking difficult. I really should keep track of this zodiac year thing. I can’t wait for CNY, and the next animal to come along*.
*Shouldn’t have looked that up.
Let the new year be lighter, the journey easier. If not, then let me be stronger.