Archive for December, 2018

New Year, Just Me.

I’m not even close to her

Of course, you’ve never been.

It’s been months of being seen by my supposed obligations, and meeting expectations I disagree with. I have watched my life rapidly shrink. The only time I have personal space carved out, is when I point to work. I don’t think I’m a person anymore, just a role.

It must really suck to be doing this.

Her immediate clarity made a difference. I’m relieved, even if what she sees is my sinking. I repeatedly try to imagine a different history that would have eased this, but I don’t have the material. The relief made way for levity, and it was most welcome today. I love that the both of us have always been able to laugh about everything. We didn’t laugh about this, but we laughed around it, and one day we will be able to. Our connection lifts everything. 

2018 has been difficult, a year of heavy emotional labours. I have lost friends, faith and stability. I watched opportunities go by — some even as I tried to hold on. I felt my stable, dependable mind break in September, saw the cracks, tried to find my balance and only lost more of it. I am worried about how emotional I have been, and the good luck that is my only safety net has disappeared.

I had a moment at the river. What do I need? Feeling like I need help in everything made me heartbroken. I am empty and strained. This is not my marathon, but it doesn’t seem to be anyone else’s.

If I am to continue, I need to think about how to approach this. Find a way where I’ll be okay. Recognise the legitimacy of my feelings, but learn new ways to have them. I have avoided this all my life, and I find myself now digging in my heels while being pushed in this new direction.

I close the year with a cloud hanging over my head. It’s difficult to see the rest of the sky, but I should try.

2018, the positives. Some stretching:

  •  I have an affordable home. My first purchase of bed and mattress, personal furniture.
  •  Personal fitness on a marked rise. Not prone to injuries as before.
  •  Discovering some minor interest in wearables.
  •  New friendships, and warmth.
  •  Decluttered some of my hoarding.
  •  Learned new skills, sharpened one writing style.
  •  Met every single work deadline, despite…circumstances.
  •  Clarity and boundaries.
  • Partially talked about my childhood abuse with mom — the response was denial, erasure, and gaslighting. If I were abused we both were, therefore neither of us were abused. At least now I know.
  • Gained much better understanding of myself.
  •  Reached the end of 2018. 

A thin list, but it helps to do the work to see.

Literally at the last hour of 2018, I just realised 2006 was crushing, really fucking difficult. I really should keep track of this zodiac year thing. I can’t wait for CNY, and the next animal to come along*.

*Shouldn’t have looked that up.

Let the new year be lighter, the journey easier. If not, then let me be stronger.

The tv has been installed for 16 minutes. There is nothing to watch on it.

18 minutes. All the shows she wants are only available on one particular USB that may or may not be in Ipoh. There is nothing else she wants, nothing else to watch.

I am at her office, on impulse. It’s up on a higher storey, I can feel it. It’s year end. There are only two people in the office, her and someone older. That person is leaving, we see her off. She is going off on a holiday, I tell her that’s nice. I am fascinated by other people’s desks. Her desk (?) has some coloured post its.

She goes off to the loo. I walk to her tiny and cluttered bedroom at the side of the office. In the mirror, I see my hair has grown quite long and unruly. Yikes. I forgot to gel it. I see she has a white roundish jar of hair gel with a pink stripe through it. I think about using it but then I’d have to tell her 1) I walked into her room without telling her first and 2) I want to use her stuff. And I have my shoes on in her room.

I remember that I have a spare green tub of gel on (my desk?) (in her/my room?) so I grab it, and use her mirror. Getting hair to go one side is mission impossible.

She comes in as I’m still trying to tame my hair and I tell her I’m having trouble. She tousled my hair and is fine with it. Somewhat amused. I realise I could be more relaxed.

I am lying beside her. She puts on some music to distract me from my hair. It works. She produces a blister pack of small round blue pills and a credit card. I ask what they are and she says (?). I guess she does drugs in the office when no one else is around. I’d like to do some drugs, yeah, okay. (Whee!)

Her song finishes. I reach across to change the song, I want to put on Ryan Adams. It is an awkward move from where I am and I accidentally brush against her stomach, my hand unable to reach the laptop because I also got it stuck in a blanket fold. I think about apologising but it seems insincere and I’m being too anxious. I wrestle my hand free(ish) and manage to reach to type in “Ryan Adams” from an angle, through a thinner layer of blanket, but never hit play. (Pills are also forgotten). We are laughing and I buried my face into her side. Her hand is in my hair again. I stay there. I feel safe. It is good to forget.

“Woke Deviant”

Grateful to gently close a channel, but it ended with pain.

Even the most capable leader I know cannot tahan your perangai after four months. 👏🏻

I just dropped nearly two thousand ringgit on a setup that I’m sure my mother will still find a way to be dissatisfied and upset with.

Tomorrow is a day of temptation and change; opening the wrong doors in a world of uncertainty and confronting illusions.

Perils of investing in a friendship that is taken for granted

Me: These ghost peppers were once measured as the world’s hottest chillies.

Also me: Well, I gotta know. *bites*

My ghost: Well. And now I know.

My cousin having trouble with her mud partner because she keeps trying to wander down abandoned alleyways is a real mood.

I grossly underestimated her ability to be difficult and upset over something that hasn’t even arrived in her space yet.

Crowd control necessary since my nerds are big pervs with no conversation filters for kantoiing me, and I’d like to return to the restaurant and see the manager again 😐.

Autobot packages. Energy sources. Uranus u-rah-noose. Hentai bots. The petty hill to visit for a day, the hill to die on. Reading any ship that involves a Leo dicaprio character is the wrong decision. Men in suits, not my thing. Mark Wahlberg, eeeeee. Racially representative paedo porn is not the correct hill — let the white men die in their own problematic spaces, leave Mr Miyagi out of it.

There have been SEVEN?

Excuse me, this is halal. There are no men involved 😂

Have to make the case that I don’t think Bumblebee can turn me on, gadgets or otherwise. 🤔😒

Another pair of shoes broke. Stepped in a gross puddle. Rinsed. Couldn’t buy new ones because of my monster size feet. At least my shoes dried out real fast.

Interrupted a khalwat session outside the mall — pause, break apart slightly, girl sighed with great exasperation/frustration at me. We are all victims of circumstance but outside a mall right after 10pm is mostly on you and not me.

So angry and upset I cannot rest. I hope this is just the hormones at work.

Vulnerability has not been good for me this year.

Rolling my eyes at some faffy chopsticks video that tries to draw emotional family stories starting with babies learning taste through the ends of chopsticks, learning from parents how to use them as children, and then I don’t know someone dies or something. So tedious.

Reunion

  • He’s empty! He’s like a durian, except when you open it there’s only one seed!
  • ONLY 👏🏻 ONE 👏🏻 SEED
  • One biji?
  • I said seed

Two caregivers. One ex cult member. One former CEO. One who served the nation. One example on not to do a phd. Autoethnigraphic phd.

Sexual harassments. Cults. Rapists. Mansplainers. Fragile and ineffective men with big egoes and hero complex. Sexists. Complicit people. Enablers. Good documentaries. Being older is great. Industry gossip. Ineptitude. Exploitation. Frustration.

The men we are friends with, the ones we work with. Varying levels of trust.

Can’t trust a man in HR when no one who works in HR is surprised.

“Why are you being so rude and aggressive?”

Show cause letters.

“PLAGIARIST CLAIMED CREDIT FOR HER WORK!”

So much flip table.

  • I wonder how much of our governance has been obstructed by male ego.
  • A LOT, Lainie. I mean, no one has done a quantitative study, but a lot.
  • What if we extrapolate to a scenario where no woman was in the room?

Ugh

Fuck today, but:

Matching hamster pics

and

Being applauded even more after getting out of my car, due to awesome side parking and revealing with my body that actually, I’m a woman*

*actually not the energy I want to channel today, but, fuck today, I’ll take it.

  • ly: every time i draw a card about this proposal, i get a three of swords
  • liy: ugh. do you rly wanna work there?

Needing a how what where why who when compelling reason (to you) on why I won’t be here tomorrow, is why I won’t be here tomorrow.

Walk home interrupted by the rain. Would be nice but for my laptop.

Kena hempit. Dreamt it too. Malicious being. I believed I was in a new building and that I had tried the lights. I didn’t see my room but there were a lot of switches, a whole row. I wasn’t sure which was for the fans and which the lights so I hentam.

A dark figure shadow kept coming as I fell asleep, hovering beside/over me. I got angry and aggressive back at it, tried very hard repeatedly to flip it off.

Think from school when I was waiting out the rain. Heat.

Just remembered I ignored my tingling ankle before I slept.

I’m annoyed that this one is sneaky. Hijacks prayers.

Thought everyone is asleep at 330am and I’m home alone tonight. And then “LY, I’m sending K home with some pasta and mashed potatoes for you 😊”

Headache developing.
thank fuck meeting Mahsuri tmr.
two water people can’t do nuts for each other.

  • That is exactly what happened. You know me very well.
  • I try. At best it’s like AI. You learn over time and make reasonable deductions.
  • 💕


Discussion about being internet famous(er) and not dating your fans.

I am in a warehouse of a shopping hall following a man. I think he’s my landlord here. Shutters roll down behind me. He presses a button, shutters roll down before us. We have just enough space to stand. He threatens me. Our floor moves up as a platform. Another body in a blue car. Just drips of old blood showing through the window gap. Another red car. Just a smear of flesh remains. He warns that if I continue,’I’m next.

A tear rolls down me. I am scared. But I am going to resist this man.

The dream continues when I close my eyes.

I am working on an exhibition of my architecture/interior design ideas. It is a continuation of a dream I’ve had before.

It is an open space and in my section, I have a library with a pantry/ablutions area behind it. I worry the library section looks a bit plain. The bookshelves are black. The wood is thick. I want to hang chrome lamp pendants down, and put an uplight at the pantry, to paint the mood differently.

I am laying to cloth blue and white mats: one before the sink, another close to the library. I think to myself libraries should be functional, not peacock displays. I should change the look by putting a reading area in. I mentally gauge how much space one needs to stand before the shelf comfortably and check out the books.

Other students are involved in this, but i am basically working alone. I’m annoyed by how lackadaisical they are. They’re behaving as though only the final grade counts, but the process does too. The grading has begun.

I go to the squatter area near campus. The people there are resourceful. The uncle electrician there is busy today, fixing a fuse box while a bougie looking lady shines a light into what he’s doing with her cellphone. It still looks dim, and I want to add my light to it (while asking him questions), but the moment she sees me reaching she puts her phone away.

I help uncle. Uncle says he doesn’t know where to get this particular light. It’s too posh, maybe. I walk away but it was worth a shot, I’ll get his help later if I need it for wiring.

Sandee approaches me with another person. They’re carrying a box. It has a picture of lamp pendants (Phillips) on it. It’s a pendant where you plug it in directly into the wall, and looks like a tackyish version of what I want, but more oval with streams lined into it. Reminds me of the head in Alien. They mean well, but I tell them I can’t use it because I will be failed on the spot. The idea is to use lights, yes, but these exams aren’t just about providing function. Some of the bulbs are old, discoloured. I am grateful, but no.

Back to laying carpets. A guard informs me the man I’ve been speaking to (my group’s mentor) had stolen something while I was away. It’s a lush cloth shaw-like mat, one of my bigger investments in the exhibition. I need to break into his room to retrieve it. He is also packing for a trip. I talk to his workers. One giggles. Yes the cloth has been packed away and it’s probably too late to find it again. Thinks the workers have moved the shipment. I go anyway. Class differences and hierarchy mean the people who think I’m not a worker stay out of my way, and the people who think I’m a worker don’t look at me. I’m dressed in my working clothes so the people who don’t recognise me think I’m working.

I’m upset at this sly man. I am going to entrap him. I will show him another lush mat, a better one. I call PG to enquire about suggestions on sourcing. If he steals or sabo it I will document it in secret. Otherwise this mat will be better.

Merry queer Christmas

Ct: wow you can go from like this to out so quickly huh?

m: how bad do I look 😀 Christ

“Just burn my degree then”

Maybe you’re like this because you were a Virgo as a child

V: She was egging both sides on!

m: doing it now idc

Na: Omg we asked and you wouldn’t even moderate but …

m: And now, we will take long unrelated comments and short questions from the floor. Just really get those feelings out.

Vegetarian/vegan gatherings are inclusive to all diets. But so are making vegetarian options available.

I have a Christmas bauble to choose a location for. So exciting.

I am lesbian terakhir di dunia

My cafe friend is everyone’s friend. I was looking out for her library but I only saw the encyclopaedias.

Pine nuts pistachios almond slivers salted egg curry leaves black pepper salt curry powder 1TBS sugar

Pumpkin chicken curry powder honey salt pepper

Chileans tak jadi datang, doing lunch instead.

Played Othello today. Gave me strong deja vu of Christmas school hols at 2yee’s.

Christmas turned into a coming out party and then a carpe durian session

Saw the coolest PJest PJ house.

First Xmas away from family in a while. I think no one knows how to deal, so all have recused themselves.

Ghosting. Breadcrumbing.

I didn’t cry when talking about B. The worst is behind me, the fear has materialised.

Just put two flowers.

Or tassels.

Then you’ll know Zai’s been there.

Church of satanism is very left. Not even liberal – left.

I have very few arguments with what I’ve read.

Yeah.

I’ll send you a link

The spies in your phone will be so scandalised when they see you’ve turned to satanism.

I love your show

Which one?

Chewahhhh

Your birthday reminder tomorrow is still in my phone, but it’s been a while since we celebrated, and I don’t think that’ll ever happen again.

Older women talking about how nice things are once your hormones stop making you hrnghhhh

a spreadsheet on horoscopes

I don’t want to look back on the many pitfalls this year.

I thought I said 2019 but it was 2018.

I wanted to say last year but I mean this year.

I’m so ready for next year.

Train the mind.

Anger and inability to process caffeine = weak liver? Ohnoes.

Contact pesticides vs systemic pesticides.

A floating hand and arm before me, in near darkness — roughly cut off at the forearm. It is blackened, nearly a piece of charcoal. The hand is large, once veiny. I notice the flat-tipped nail on the index finger is long, about 2cm extended. It is black too, and cracked.

Rish is back. It’s a house party. She is crying to me because she has only been a surgeon for two months but her family is pressuring her for not contributing enough. She only earns 30000 a month. I don’t question it as her family is too wealthy I don’t know what tribute they think is appropriate, I only care that she is sad. I hug her.

I invite her back to my place with another person at this reunion/party(?), I have Taiwanese whiskey we can share. I look carefully, I’m confused. I was talking to Dalv the whole time. Rish is back in the US. I casually talk about the space Dalv is at to another person in the room and she talks about the same person I do, so I have confirmed it is Dalv and not Rish (was worried I was delusional now).

We tell someone(?) at the back of the building who is negotiating to make a purchase. She says she’ll come with, playing that it’s a favour 🙄 but we’re actually housemates so she’s copping a lift. I tell her as much.

We reach home and my friend is a very tall blonde white lady, in a light coloured dress with some colour (red details) on it. We have to go up a spiral staircase that’s been roughly hewn and looks like from limestone. I warn her of the journey up but she seems determined to tackle it.

She starts climbing. She doesn’t walk up it — that is also not the path. She approaches it like a rock climbing wall. Sometimes her feet are on the banisters and I worry because there is less chance of her falling off if she keeps her limbs inside. She reaches a corner and is stuck, nearly folded half. Head peeks through the tiny gap before the ceiling, calls for (?) to hurry and help. I volunteer to go fetch this person. I’m crying out their name downstairs but something is drowning me out. (Machinery? Ambient traffic?)

We have to take another lift up. Security guard stops us and she says we have to register. (?) says we’ll come own later, I concur. Security guard says but we need to get (drinking) water when we register to bring up, but she also notes she has just boiled it. A steamed up jug sits on her cluttered table. I look at it and say yeah we’ll have to come later, that’s too hot.

(?) presses the lift button. We rationalise it as four levels above the shop, but I suspect we’re at the side of the building and entering from a lift that doesn’t cover my floor — I’m four levels above the shop but this level we’ve pressed (WP4) is actually too high because the lift skips mine. Mine is probably about (W P 1). But (?) is too certain and so up we go.

I live across the road from 3y. It’s actually my lover’s house, or I am renting too but we live together. 3y lives with kf, as before.

A padang lies between the houses. It’s quite ideal. I can live here, and always pop back into her arms when I miss her or if family is too tiresome.

The house looks like the SCK house (?).

My/our(?) bedroom faces the front and looks out into 3y’s house, but my bed is far away from the window and there is enough distance between the houses. I think my privacy is assured. Otherwise, there is always the back room but there is an odd staircase.