The cards are always right, but not in ways I expect. Which makes sense since I have an ability to make them fit the scenario. But also, I haven’t really drawn much happy cards.
This year feels cursed. I’ve always thought I had above average good luck for survival. Maybe the best way is to think that I do, and it would be worse now if I didn’t.
I keep thinking back to what the fortune teller said. I should focus more on reality and less on the woo woo.
Lunch with Mel today. We discussed the festival — there were things she didn’t know. She told me about some fears I had caused with my ghosting. I don’t think I did anything uncalled for, I was protecting myself.
Also discussed sexual harassers, organisers who fail others by enabling sexual harassers, relationships with our mothers, caregiving and mental health, responsibilities and personal capacities, and sisterhood.
It was a good talk. At the end of it, she told me she remembered the mahjong paper tip and that it came in very useful. I smiled, but I also felt sad about it.
I think this means I’ll be in Subang once the hospital stuff is over.
Ma is in tears today. She was so consumed with fear, she couldn’t hear me when I entered the room (not quietly) and called her a few times.
Her fingers are locked together again. I kind of want to punch the next person who says maybe it’s trigger finger, after I have already told them it doesn’t match the symptoms.
Managing ma is one thing. Managing relatives who issue orders and demands is another. I have a sick and fearful mother to deal with. She is starting to believe this is divine punishment, for not being religious enough, or praying to the wrong god. I do not have the head space for your passive aggressive bullshit need to be recognised. For gods sake I’m the youngest, and I’m doing the most. The rest of you sort your own shit out.
Tomorrow will be a big logistics and prep day. I need to summon energy I don’t know is there. But I have to find it somewhere.
I am so tired, and so emotionally drained.