Archive for November, 2018

The cards are always right, but not in ways I expect. Which makes sense since I have an ability to make them fit the scenario. But also, I haven’t really drawn much happy cards.

This year feels cursed. I’ve always thought I had above average good luck for survival. Maybe the best way is to think that I do, and it would be worse now if I didn’t.

I keep thinking back to what the fortune teller said. I should focus more on reality and less on the woo woo.

Lunch with Mel today. We discussed the festival — there were things she didn’t know. She told me about some fears I had caused with my ghosting. I don’t think I did anything uncalled for, I was protecting myself.

Also discussed sexual harassers, organisers who fail others by enabling sexual harassers, relationships with our mothers, caregiving and mental health, responsibilities and personal capacities, and sisterhood.

It was a good talk. At the end of it, she told me she remembered the mahjong paper tip and that it came in very useful. I smiled, but I also felt sad about it.

I think this means I’ll be in Subang once the hospital stuff is over.

Ma is in tears today. She was so consumed with fear, she couldn’t hear me when I entered the room (not quietly) and called her a few times.

Her fingers are locked together again. I kind of want to punch the next person who says maybe it’s trigger finger, after I have already told them it doesn’t match the symptoms.

Managing ma is one thing. Managing relatives who issue orders and demands is another. I have a sick and fearful mother to deal with. She is starting to believe this is divine punishment, for not being religious enough, or praying to the wrong god. I do not have the head space for your passive aggressive bullshit need to be recognised. For gods sake I’m the youngest, and I’m doing the most. The rest of you sort your own shit out.

Tomorrow will be a big logistics and prep day. I need to summon energy I don’t know is there. But I have to find it somewhere.

I am so tired, and so emotionally drained.

Asked GT cards a nice chill question, how things will go today

“Your confidence will be destroyed”

Asked FT cards the same

“You will feel so much sadness and regret today”

πŸ˜€

Am I safe if I hide at home

Changing today and I realised my body is being reshaped. Saw a curve that didn’t use to be there. I need to keep better track of my own body.

Also my sweat smells different which I dislike.

Person at the next table tells her friends “I can read minds and thoughts”

It took some steeling but I reached out. You’re in such a toxic environment, I just want to shine a light to other ways. Please don’t use it against me with her for points, I know it’ll be easy πŸ˜–. Or if you do, do. If she knows, so be it. I will always stand by my principles.

Managing my anger is a full time job.

Saw something that triggered a flood of tears. I thought maybe I’m pmsing but…I think I’m just sad. This is going to be one fraught reconciliation. We’ve started talking but we’ve not mended what was between us. I don’t know what to do.

Why so many emotional things today.

Lol. S and I were right, nbd dares to do the quote tweet. I thought one of the creep guys would at least.

Gearing up to write, but also, do I want to start writing now? How about when the feelings are dulled instead

Why 😐 are you possessive 😐 of me 😐 when you don’t even spend time with me πŸ˜’

I don’t like being fought over. It makes me feel like I need to tell you to chill when I just want better/more considerate time management.

Abort, abort

Suspecting that this is not how it’s done, but also it’s been ages and it’s not like I have any idea how it’s done so 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

I do not know what to do about my friends who have been abusive partners in relationships.

6W and I’m not sure why or what to do

I typed “how to” and it autocompleted “ghost everybody”

I know it’s a bad idea but I also know I won’t be able to stop myself

My gentle cards are side-eyeing me, I know it. Innocent fool and innocent geese.

On the one hand, wanted to gratitude tweet that I’ve not been sent an unsolicited dick pic in years!

On the other, this seems like something I’d wipe from memory and also I don’t want to encourage anyone.

Adultingish

6 chicken breast

2 parsley

2 coriander

1 spring onion

1 pork soft ribs

1 white fish fillet

Tomatoes

Onions

Blueberries

Alfalfa sprouts

4 Carrots

1/2 Pumpkin

Long beans

1 coke light

1 family shampoo

2 Nai pak

1 broccolini

Chimichurri

Chicken/fish + veg

Porridge

The cards say:

Work: focus on the one thing that will help you achieve your goals. Everything is possible. I have everything I need. (Key: magician)

GTLF: Will be an exercise in scheduling, prioritising, and intense bonding in sisterhood (/good business deals). Emotionally taxing and mentally stimulating. (Various)

Love: I am gentle (??) and ready; heartbreak, darkness and fear are external obstacles I may not overcome (some dishonesty?). If I do, partnership with long term prosperity/stability is achievable. (Selected keys: 9S, VIII context/ 6C, 9S context)

Mlz: in a victimised position, needs a new perspective. Stuck, thoughts are not friends: intuition is friend. (key: 8s)

What can be done for more happiness: 2S 😫Decision spread: 10P (pro: ace cup, con: VII) or 7C (pro: 9C, con: 2W)

Mum: 10P

YT: 10P (????)

Tmr: entrapment xii (hanged man): surrender, pause. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

I have seen a mind break before. I am worried I’ll see it happen again.

JK called me her space πŸ˜‚

Erasure. Considering and confronting my erasure has been difficult. My invisibility is usually always my choice, and being erased is damaging me.

Telling myself the erasures I experience are usually not part of my everyday experiences, but I also do not want to make that the bar.

A person who claims to nurture young talent but steals their work is a parasite, not a poet.

“You’re not going to let me pay you, are you? I knew it!”

So many women checking in with each other after the festival. Women are the best.

Addendum: Perhaps getting 10 Pentacles on repeat draws because Debbie’s action overrides all.

“Who is happy in this region anyway?”

“Well sometimes you meet the occasional happy person from Laos”

I’m so Malaysian, but when I confront how the idea of the country leaves people out, the idea of Malaysia becomes considerably less enchanting.

Kongkektulations

Don’t dry hump me!

*dry hump*

You don’t have my consent for dry humping!

You don’t need consent for dry humping.

πŸ˜’