Rolly is a flea bag. Oh my god I ran the grooming comb past his chest and pulled out numerous fleas (two jumped on me while I was trying to murder the rest) and heaps of flea poo.

His fleas have Frontline immunity. Poor thing is being eaten alive. I’m making Reza go with me around pet shops to get Advocate for the poor cat, before he gets sick.

I dislike being idle, so I have been keeping myself busy. My flirtation with being busy, yet unproductive, is starting to weigh on me though.

I can’t tell if I’ve been trained to need to value myself based on my labour, and therefore there is no sense of validation when there is no final product. I wouldn’t say my time is not necessarily well spent, and I’ve reconnected with so many more friends, my bruxism is a thing of the past.

Keeping my hands off my projects is also turning them into a form of mental and emotional labour. I carry them with me in my leisure. I examine them before I pick up a book. Every conscious choice to do something else reminds me of work I’ve not done. Maybe I fear forgetting they exist (which is possible) despite maintaining a list and having a trail of breadcrumbs all over my email and documents folder.

Can use this to measure how I feel about my projects kan? It’s certainly a measurement of how self-managing at work and heading my own projects has trained the brain — all my circuits very quickly lead back to work and networks. Cooking and pets seem to be the only outlets that remain separate. So many of my friends share similar jobs/circles, even my socialising is related to my labour. Stepping back has made me really aware of this.

I’m not sure if this exercise is helpful, but it’ll be nearing its end soon, and I don’t know when I will have an opportunity like this again to examine my self.

It’s important to remind myself there is much about who I am that I have not investigated, confronted, loved, questioned, or forgiven. Petra said once that kindness to the self is important, and she is right. Being more forgiving to the self is important in order to be more forgiving to others (do i want this, or is it just a natural outcome?).

I think the standards I uphold are the ones I truly cannot tahan when failed by others. So I need to ask myself how important are some of these things, really? How much do I value labour, and idleness? Why are these even my values? Takkan I don’t value retirees? Or students? Studying is full of final products. Maybe I don’t see the product in retiring? Don’t I want to retire?

Well. My psychic did say I was unlikely to ever retire. Hopefully she means I die young (?), and not that I die poor, or both.

I spend so much time in the supermarket at the cheese aisle, telling myself I don’t need to buy more cheese. Is this the quintessential PJ middle class experience?

If you worked more, you could buy more cheese, Lainie.

Whatever. This process is a process. Shut up, brain, or we are going to have an even more uncomfortable conversation in the cheese aisle than “How much Brie is too much Brie?”.