Archive for March, 2017

I believed the dream for a while. 

I had forgotten I was once kidnapped and had escaped. It was a huge kidnapping ring. We were imprisoned in a large house. I shot tiny ball bearings from a home made ratchet device on the day we escaped. Ran around retrieving them from the floor even after things were over. 

I was in the study looking at my friend. Almost in tears. I asked if I had forgotten. Could it have been real. She walks to a safe/small cupboard and brings out a light blue and white flyer. It’s a medical thing. It’s a number for mole women to call if they need psychiatric help to recover from trauma. I have deeply suppressed these memories and they come flooding out. I had escaped on Dec 20. 
I don’t know how I could have forgotten. I worry I am losing my mind. 

Always cuddle Grey after the talks. 

J. Relationships. Spirituality. Brain functions. Self-care. How disappointed I was on how I had given up on myself at one point. Soul twins and past lives. Yara’s Japanese cd. Greece. 

Kgs. Self-care. Not carrying on like a beast of burden. Caring for the mind. Caring for a mutual. Toxic families and people who don’t know how to love. Racism and it’s unfair and some people exploit vulnerabilities for selfish reasons. 

J. How little I know of things that still deeply affect me today. Some experiences align. Some same desires for the future and our relationships. So many cycles and ironies and pain. Blackouts. 

I am a crier and I wept my way through wads of tissues this week. This morning I looked at Kuan Yin and I didn’t know what I had been praying for, or what I should pray for. But as I was saying with Jes, prayer (and not religion) has surprised me in many ways, once I gave it room. Focused in on the important things. 


  • Lainie: You should see my cover letter. I’m practically fellating myself.
  • Lola: What else do you think cover letters are for, really?

Is it strange to get one person who used to hire you to give feedback on your cv and cover letter for your new job?

I’ve been trying to edit and submit the three documents today, but something keeps popping up. I’ve been putting out fires (one literal) left, right, center, atas, bawah, dan kawasan kawasan yg sewaktu dengannya. Putting out a literal fire was nowhere near the top of the list of emergencies. Last night, I could have slogged on past midnight, or for the first time in days, picked to rest and wake up early to try again.

Today, I am up by 730am, all ready to get this done.


  • Lola: Would you like a snack?
  • Lainie: Mind grabbing two cans of Coke Light on the way here?
  • Lola: Can can.
  • Lainie: Yes, literally. Two of those.

I am not interested in seeing Beauty and The Beast (and I don’t mean it’s because of the recent drama with our dear censorship board). The trailer simply does not inspire, nor does the casting. The animated film is pretty damn good and I have no need for this film. 

That said, when they gay character was announced I wasn’t pleased (although I get the distinct impression I am expected to feel gratitude that Disney is finally openly almost courting the pink dollar). A gay woman Belle with a gay woman Beast? Hell yes. Gender swapping one of the roles? Maybe.  

But an inconsequential and unlikeable villain’s…..sidekick? Let’s face it, not all gay representations can warm the heart. 

I hate that the censorship board goes after all gay characters it notices, and I am strongly against censoring BaTB because of the gay scene. 

But I don’t super dislike that this person got cut, if I had a chance I would erase his entire character from the film. 

But hey, I’m just tired of seeing LGBT characters being made into the bad guys in films. 

I hope this doesn’t prevent Disney from including LGBT characters in the future, and that the feedback leads to more positive portrayals of the community. 


1. I just treat my cat like she’s drunk all the time. And she’s an angry drunk. ‬

2. “You sound like the son of a Venetian merchant. Jac is coming back soon. Dont know when, but soon. Could be two weeks, or years. i dont know when exactly, but she’ll be home soon.”

3. “Hang on. In that venetian merchant example, wouldnt that make Jac my dad?”
“Jac is totally your daddy”

4. I spent half a day writing and editing for an art essay, and if I have to type “diaphanous” or “permutation” or “formation” one more time my finger tips will explode. Some art things sound like they were written by elves. Like titles and essays.

5. i…i ate some chocolate cake..that i wasnt supposed to.

6. “Aussie Aussie Aussie, oi oi oi! Ohr see ohr see ohr see, oi oi oi! Ohr see, oi! Ohr see, oi! Ohr see, oi! What do you mean you’ve never heard that before? It’s been around for years.”

Sakit itu sementara

“Sakit itu sementara”

…unless you’re watching Adiwira Ku. So.  I made some new friends in the cinema today. I’ll explain.

I had convinced my friends to watch a local movie, Adiwira Ku. I had good reason to look forward to this — I am interested in the topic, and the response online has been generally supportive.

Unfortunately, Adiwira Ku did not live up to expectations; and mind you, I would have been happy to accept even a mediocre film. That’s how much I wanted to see a film on the topic.

Adiwira Ku is based on a true story of a Teach For Malaysia volunteer, Cheryl Ann Fernando, and her experience leading the troubled students of rural school SMK Pinang Tunggal to a victory in the state-level choral speaking competition. I have very nostalgic memories of my competitive choral speaking days in school, and I was so onboard when I discovered there would be a local film on the subject.

First off, the good: Adiwira Ku‘s casting of students in the film is spot-on. Whoever did the casting work on the show should get a pat on the back. Many of the actors playing the young students are convincing, charismatic, and the strength of the film. I could feel like I was back in school again — not only that, I felt like I was back in a co-ed school, and I have no idea what that’s actually like. The youthful insecurities, the uncontrollable bursts of angst, the power relationship between each other and with teachers, those elements draw me back to my teenage years. If you need a reason to watch the film (besides “support your local film industry!”), this is it. Support the young performers.

[ And if you’re going to watch the film, you should read the rest after you’ve watched the film. Warning, spoilers ahead. And bitterness. ]

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My house got aircond

Went into the kitchen this afternoon, and found housemate doing the dishes; and the freezer door left open behind her.

Went into the kitchen tonight, and found housemate’s partner doing the dishes; and the fridge’s door left open behind him.

And just this morning I was being so thankful they had stopped this bad habit of forgetting to turn off the tap in the bathroom. GDI, so close.

/shakes fist at sky

Chicken chop burger, Beef avocado burger

A few days ago, in conjunction with IWD, I celebrated my womanhood by having a burger festival. Burger for lunch, burger for dinner, in the company of friends.

Over dinner, my friend Nina started a story, and because she is Malaysian, she included the food she was eating into the general description of events, even though it had no bearing whatsoever on the story.

  • Nina: So I was eating this nasi lemak…
  • Lainie: Wait. Was the nasi lemak delicious?
  • Nina: Yeah! It was delicious.
  • Lainie: Sorry. I just interrupted your story to check if the food you were eating when it happened was delicious. Am I being Malaysian?
  • Nina: Yes, and like a good Malaysian, I responded.

Was it a sandwich? A nasi lemak? I don’t rightly recall. What was the rest of the conversation about? I don’t remember the details not because I’m a Malaysian, but because I’m a bad friend. Even the moments of self-awareness, where I stop myself to wonder why I have to know the quality of this non-essential food, are rare.

But I do remember that we talked about food, because that is a crucial part of being Malaysian.

Then we talked about how it’s so strange to learn that people from other countries don’t talk about food all the time. Like, isn’t it natural to discuss over lunch what you will have for dinner? Or to discuss over dinner where our next dinner will be? To eat food we like, and to talk about both our meal and other foods we like? And if the food is far away, how we will travel together and be rewarded at the destination?

By the way, I love the chicken chop burger in Gasing 123 cafe on Jalan Gasing.