I tried to cook Maggi mee for dinner (Assam Laksa flavour is the best, if completely removed from the reality of the actual dish). By “try”, I mean I was increasingly less successful as time went by.

When I tore open the soup packet, the MSG came out in wet chunks. Turns out the Maggi I recently purchased was already past its expiry date. Thanks, Hero Supermarket!

The instant noodles only expired in November, and I was pretty damn sure the date given was only a suggestion. The sticky clumps where there should have been fine, toxic-orange powder —  merely a gentle warning. To be heeded by people who did not grow up eating Asian street food, and have never spent RM40 on lok lok in one not-even-alcohol-fuelled session.

Carelessly added crabsticks to the boiling pot of noodles and water. So far so good; if somewhat possible that I may have added shreds of plastic wrapping to the soup. I figured it would melt and I wouldn’t be able to tell. If I could, even better, I can avoid eating plastic by accident.

Cracked an egg into the pot, and woah. The egg came out with a solid-ish whole egg yolk, and it was partially still stuck to the shell with what looked like a green layer of mold. This was new. I sniffed it. It didn’t smell bad at all. Actually, it didn’t even smell like egg, so maybe my nose was just too clogged up. Or maybe, as my friend journalist Rhys seemed to be obsessed with, it was a fake egg. However, the last time we were together and found a dubious egg at an Indian grocer’s shop, we thought it might have been fake because the shell was wrinkled. Turned out to be a real egg — possibly laid by a Kegelling hen. Or sick hen. Either way, he was disappointed and I could never unlearn that chicken eggs can come out really weird because, duh, not all hens lay perfect supermarket eggs, and not all supermarket eggs are okay.

Was worried all the eggs I purchased (also fairly recently) had gone bad, so I cracked another egg into the pot to check. It was okay.

The clock said I had nearly an hour before the show I was watching would start in DPAC, which is just 10 minutes away from my place…if I drive slowly. Decided to head there early and grab a sandwich from 7-11. Was worried if I left the Maggi there, my scavenging housemate Zheng might actually eat the noodles in the pot without knowing the egg inside had gone bad. Kind of like how he leaves purple Vitagens in the fridge and I drink them all. I should clean up, but if I wanted time to grab a sandwich, I shouldn’t waste any more time. Considered texting him to warn him off the food in the kitchen while en route to DPAC, at the first red light I encounter. That said, what if I hit a wave of green lights? I’m a fairly lucky driver, it’s possible.

My solution: throw away the dodgy MSG soup base. After all, the full Maggi experience is magic. Maggi without the seasoning is just water-clogged bullshit noodles. No one will eat this! Irresponsibly left kitchen full of dodgy cooked food, and drove off to DPAC at 8PM.

Ten minutes later: In the lift, pulled out my phone to turn it to silent. Noticed it was actually past 830. WTF? Suddenly late for show. Yesterday, my ex-housemate Adri had stayed over at my place and borrowed my iPad charger. Today, the battery on my usual time keeping device was flat and I was using the house clock today to keep time. Turns out, that clock is running out of battery too.

Quickly made my way up to the Black Box and was told the show had juuuust started. So I’m kinda lucky I only missed the first few minutes of the first show of Miasma. If there had been no dodgy moldy egg*, I would have missed most of the show**.

*I actually kinda think if I weren’t pressed for time, and there were no witnesses around, I might have eaten the egg. And also if I weren’t very allergic to penicillin and totally unsure of what kind of mold grows in eggs. As you might be able to guess by now, I can be fairly low maintenance. I have cried on occasion from sheer disappointment of having to eat tasteless food, but turns out my standards are nonexistent if there is enough MSG to cover how unhealthy what I’m eating is.

**Miasma is made up of four separate short theatre pieces.
POSSIBLE SPOILERS ALERT:
There were some bits I liked of the first, but I mostly cringed my way through the uncomfortable topic — two straight women fussing over a baby’s name to the point of unrealistic crayness. Quite enjoyed the following three, found them interesting. The second one was an intense story that was also the saddest, because it offered no solutions, only foreboding that bad, pathos-driven decisions would lead to a child being abused. The third was the story of a hundred dollar bill travelling through the hands of many quirky characters, I quite liked how geeky the geek characters were, if too condescending. The last was the most interesting for me — a guy, possibly gay, tries to talk to his mother. He enjoys the single life, but ends up announcing his upcoming wedding instead.The scenario kept changing, but I liked it. There was one scene about a man’s world that exoticised sex work and I’m not too sure about the content or message, but it was a short-lived skit and watcheable enough.

I have to be up in under 3 hours for a company photoshoot in Kuala Lumpur. Great, even the cafes won’t be open for coffee then.