-_-

Has it only been ten minutes? It feels like I’ve been worrying for an hour

β€”

Empat jam kot 😣

I love chokodok

  • Hi I’m Lainie
  • Oh. Are you handsome Lainie?
  • ✨

Asked the ex a question about myself when we were dating, and ended up getting such warm, positive comments about what i was like 😭.

Terharu. Told her I didn’t know how to respond.

But I guess all the exes have the same thing to say about what they hope for me in my future relationship. Does the consistent collection of well wishes count for something? Ke tak? πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Was going to stay home tonight if I didn’t go to the theatre. Then BBae told me she made chokodok and invited me over and i drove through the combination of Easter/Songkran/Nisfu Shaaban traffic jams.

Went with her and AB to get pan mee and coffee. Was nice. Met two new cats.

Chokodok makes me think of Nessa.

Ghostly grandparents sex. The unpatriarchal patriarch. Six storeys. Seems like a film that is unrolling.

“Visitors are welcome to visit”, seriously, Lainie?

Looking at old maps tmr.

1am curfew, which I probably deserve because I keep distracting the girl from sleep. πŸ˜”

Literally “This may entail taking a journey”.

lol. My blatant cards, mmg penghasut. Just have to wait for the world’s slowest hospital to get its act together.

Had an enjoyable time at DFP today. Don’t know much about music history or theory, so it’s always interesting when a performance lecture takes the time to break shit down for me and demonstrate too.

I don’t know how to counter this type of emotional manipulation.

Walked in Robinson’s with Pets. Went to the lesbian floor: bed & living

Well if I don’t control my emotions tonight I am definitely gonna wind up binging.

I’m in a two-storey shopping mall, wandering. Had just left a group of people. Ran into one of them she is with a young boy. He is on a two wheel electronic thing. It reads things to him from the internet(?) as he stands on it and rides. I’m avoiding my father whom I briefly glimpsed in the mall. I talk with the boy briefly. The gadget seems cool but I do not ask to try it. I am leaving.

I look to the back entrance. Hrm no, leads to an enclosed beach area. The front? Looks like it leads to a pier but I realise there is a boardwalk to the left, and just a small hop over the sea will lead me to land. It’s by a Starbucks. A man is on the other side, foot on the railing. He uses it to sway the bridge, so occasionally the gap to jump is even smaller.

I walk to the little pier, make calm eye contact and jump to the other side. I’m confident I’ll make it but my feet don’t plant the ground. Oh shit. As the floor comes up to eye level before me, I raise my arms and my fingers catch the tip of the edge. I pull myself up as the others watch, getting a foot up over the edge. There is not as much struggle as I thought. The others didn’t help me, so in the background I worried they might want me to fail and sabotage me. They’re passive observers.

I don’t want to leave yet. I explore the hilly residential area just a few steps away. Hotel rooms are here. I spot a painting I’ve not before, I feel like an explorer. It’s near the steeple of this building — white exterior, pointy beige rooves. Like a giant stamp at the top. It’s of a toucan, the painting is colourful but also typical and boring. What else is there?

I enter a top level room. The child I spoke to earlier, this is his room with his parents. I had spoken to the father even earlier before in the mall, socialising, but I don’t remember details. I remember they’re travellers and they won’t be back for a while surely. I can be curious and take a look around, it’s not like I want to steal anything. I see the father has laid out bottles of drinks in another room — I notice a handsome whiskey bottle on the little table. I check myself. I look around the higgledy piggledy adjoining rooms, all made of oakish wood. There’s more to see in their possessions than on the walls, maybe there’s no art inside this room? I try not to look at their things but there doesn’t seem to be much else. I’m quietly sneaking out when the family comes back in. Fuck, what do I say?

The father sees me first. Handsome Latin man. Chiselled face. We talk. I ask his child immediately where were the places it took him, that two wheeler thing beaming images of places to his head. The child is proud. Many places of course. Oh really? That’s so coooool. Speaking of places I’m just gonna duck out to a place! And I do. Maybe they don’t suspect anything?

(This holiday villa is the same as the beach/lagoon one from last time with the private pool. But different rooms this time.)

Home

The cats are finally seeing me again after a while and scolding me a lot. Doesn’t help I smell like others, I suppose.

At least the mosquitos aren’t confused.

Lovers, happily ever after/world, chariot

Love/partnership, world travel/good moment of fruition, good signs of positive direction if willing to put in the work.

Are my cards still talking to me, or are they just reflecting my feelings?

I’ve never been so aware before of how un-masc I present. C never mixes up my pronouns which should feel like a good thing. Kan?

feeling her vibe leaves me quite sleepy. We didn’t get much rest recently too I suppose. Now is the time to deflate.

My incompatible 10-year lease. My home can be a person.

Making merry

Last day out in Malaysia. Holding off the emotions because i don’t want to be another burden.

I thought she was low energy, maybe falling sick, but she was hiding and crying. I say, so manja.

  • When was she famous?
  • She was famous when my mother liked her

πŸŒ€ Lessons in answering questions truthfully while providing no information.

  • And then you fold a square on the other side.
  • Wait wait wait. I might accidentally fold a turtle.

πŸŒ€Β Lessons in folding an origami crane.

  • Why don’t you draw a symbol on it?
  • *illegible doughnut squiggle*

πŸŒ€Β Lessons in drawing a simple symbol, like a star, or a heart.

My specialty as a tour guide has been to bring people to closed spaces to look at art through windows. But I also took friends out on a graffiti tour. I haven’t covered that stretch in a year, but itΒ looks like a decade. I should have done it sooner.

Starting the day with mandopop patriarchy love songs. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Returned to my regular cafe after a very short break away and the response was ‘where have you been’

Asked a truck driver nicely for his parking spot and he moved it out of the way so I could park. Feeling bratty and lucky.

It’s never a good thing when the cards warn of (whose?) heartache and having to overcome problems today.

Three swords. Seven Wands. Seven cups. The final: a trickster bird, in flight. She is The Moon.

At least no ten swords today. But a tricky day for negotiating feelings.

Wau. Wauuuuu. Selamba je melibatkan org. Don’t blame your love life on me, tiada kaitan pun. 😐 Bukan hanya kau yg berangau di dunia ni, bodoh. Ugh. Mmg hantu sorang. 😐

Is this the message from my cards

Rolly is being so cute and needy today.

Brought mum some salt baked chicken from home. Think it made her happy. Either that or the fact I’m going to the gym.

She really isn’t fond of the fish she has to eat for ten days, but 2yee has declared it’ll be good for her bedsore.

Saw a pic of J’s magical white horse and Numnum’s beautiful black stallion (eating a ribbon).

Don’t spit on my computer.
If I do it’ll be a sticker
Your cat already left a scratch
πŸ˜€

Sleepy

What a slow start to the day. Took me forever to roll out of bed, make toast and coffee, layan the cats. It’s a bit cold at night these days, which I don’t handle so well.

I’ve been getting a mosquito bite nearly every day, which makes me flip out about dengue.

Went with C to gym.

Had keropok lekor and limau ais kosong next door at the food stall. Some kids too young to have motorcycles pulled up, making silly jokes. They were drawing attention, and enjoying it. One of the kids had floppy hair, skinny jeans, and a Bo55ku sticker on his bike.

As he backed his motorcycle out, he knocked over the stall owner’s motorcycle. He looked up and saw us watching him. Too many witnesses, fuck. He initially apologised, but after realising the front casing was cracked and a side mirror had fallen off, started avoiding responsibility.

The stall owner was upset and he asked his partner to deal with it. Later he smoked with me and said his beef was because the kid wouldn’t even take responsibility, apologise and pay what he could. Then he said he was going to go to the kid’s house tonight and slap him in front of his father.

Holy sheeeet. I was too curious to de-escalate the situation. Not sure I could have anyway, and not where I want to spend my energy.

Watched C duck around J.

I was staring at my phone when J asked me if I was staring at C like a Jabber. I felt my face go red, but I think it didn’t show to anyone with the dim yellow lighting. Ugh why is she so amused about this.

Jabber is following C around πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ with a huge happy grin on his face.

Is that what J thinks I look like? Aku kena bertaubat ke? Fish tank with the dog and cats?

Had my usual pork soup for lunch. Nai pak and bittergourd πŸ’•. Got J curry mee, which she barely ate πŸ˜’. Gave her brie, which she 😌 didn’t even eat πŸ˜’πŸ˜’.

Asked J when she was leaving and she laughed at me and asked if I’m feeling needy. Only moderately needy and I think I’ve been very good about it 😐.

J says i can swap her out with my current happiness when she is back. J bought canned fish for us again! Yayyyyy. She said she didn’t cry much at her last meeting and I asked why she was being so macho. C says I pout when I talk with her πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Ugh I’m so worried about how this woman works so constantly. At least she had a proper dinner.

Music, simple soup dinner, much joy and giggles. Post-dinner conversations and cigarette before she left for another (I presume) intense conversation.

I don’t know how to tell her this is not a competition. A person cannot be a trophy, this is not a race, I am not running alongside you, this is a gross way to treat people can we not please and don’t assume I’m in this too. But can I say this if I don’t feel we are equally stable?

Caught some time with Pets, my sounding board, moral compass and guiding light. Needed an outside view on whether I am overstepping even as I try not to.

Got a carefully considered pass, as did C. But shared our worries about what we see in our friend, her chart and her behaviour.

Pets says the important thing is to remember the point is to empower the people I care for, not to protect on their behalf. That would be some macho bullshit anyway.

And to remember that the weak and ill can still be manipulative because that is an access to power. I can’t just presume innocence due to ignorance, esp when it’s indistinguishable from grooming. A part of me does still just want to tell her off, what are you doing, stop grooming straight women and trespassing boundaries that have been explicitly stated. But will we speak the same language? It’s good I checked in, before I enter meathead territory.

I will focus on managing myself and making my support available if necessary. Ugh, a test.

But also you’re so much older than me, why is this even a thing

Sleepy at home. Settling laundry, that eternal challenge.

Grey is so upset with me lately.

Chi chi bought salt bake herbal chicken for me! πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

Hugged goodbye and locked my hands around her, which was hilarious, but also maybe I need to reflect πŸ€”