We are at the lake. An invisible man brushes by us on a very slow large motorcycle. I can see light bending around him. It’s an ability the others do not have. I come up with a plan with the others on how to get him. He enters the lake to pick something up. As he exits, loot in hand, he is confident we do not see him — we pounce. We get the item(?).

I am rummaging through items. I find a shining crystal. A beam of light comes out from it. It fell behind the low (repurposed tv?) cabinet but the light helped me to find it. I pick it up. It’s cleaved in half, allowing me to see its contents. Deep blue centre barely showing through the thick and frosty white edges.

πŸŽ‚

The almost an ex was the first to message. Goddamn. Possibly because teringat salah the date.

Talked about successful marriages. She says happiness is a byproduct of a successful marriage, but not always present. We agree that a successful marriage is built on sincere partnership.

Nads had a small birthday get together.

Turned 36 over mamak drinks and roti with JJ. Passed her her birthday ticket because i wine be able to see her during her birthday. She has a new kitten and two young cats. I want to play with the kitten it looks so cute.

I cried again because I had just finished at the hospital and that’s what I do these days. She’s so used to seeing me like this πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ.

I’m so glad I’m leaving for a while.

She was very displeased with the suggestion the Gemini gave me. Said there is a cost to bela stuff. I said that wasn’t my intent and she said that’s what it is if you give them chores.

I mean I wasn’t gonna but now I’m definitely not gonna.

Said Gemini is young and has yet to fall flat on her face.

Birthday dinner with CT, Snow and Yas. Liy skipped last minute cause of work, J cause of dental stuff. Somemore the dinner time had been changed to accommodate J in the first place πŸ˜’. Taiwan says it’s because I picked hotpot but she had said semua boleh.

Was the first to arrive and stressed out because I thought it might be one of those restaurants where the amount of pots depended on the size of table, but we all shared one in the end. Still, didn’t need that stress at all.

Went for cake afterwards — bold claim, best cake in the world.

J taught me how to use chopsticks and shamed me for being a lesbian with weak finger muscles 😐. At least I’ve known how to floss for a long while?

It was quite a legit lunch, considering the place claims to serve Ipoh food. Kaisihofun was exactly that. Now I have a place to go without driving to KL! KL place still better though, could actually compete in Ipoh.

Went for gym afterwards where I died because my glucose levels kept crashing. Kuay teow is the most useless gym food and the broth clearly had a flavour boost from sugar the way my levels dipped πŸ˜’. To be fair, that is common and included in standard recipes even for home cooks.

I have no big birthday announcements. Last year I couldn’t celebrate because of elections. This year I barely celebrated because no momentum. Still, a few friends have brought me out for a birthday meal and that’s quite nice. Spread out through the calendar πŸ₯°

Double Taurus Gemini

Nads did a last minute gathering at her place for her birthday. Two taureans (luckily we didn’t do grocery shopping together) with Liy and Gomez. Aries energy.

Liy said he had wanted to meet me and make a good impression. Macam lah my halal chop will change anything πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

He seems okay but guys like that are adept at passing short term tests so I guess I have no immediate major concerns if this is not long term.

I wore a labradorite pendant Nads felt she needed to put on me. Had an epiphany that if I liked myself more and trusted myself that i am/can be a good person*, my anxieties quiet down.

Nads is upset with me for respecting boundaries and consent and says I should take risks and stop acting like a potential male rapist and I really don’t know if I should listen to her at all. I don’t think so.

*and not a bad person trying to do the things I rationally know are good — because there aren’t bad people that way and they wouldn’t try. Loosely. Working through anxieties doesn’t have to be a goddamn thesis.

Met two Geminis. Very fun combo. Super hippie. One of them gelak — she attracts Scorpio Venus boys.

Read Spolia. Spolia seems to think I’ll have a very difficult time when I travel. 3 Swords, 10 swords, Tower. But the girl is always the queen of cups and I am always the Chariot.

Linestrider and Golden Dawn think I like a detached and flighty person, and this will be a lesson in unconditional love 😐. It will be fun and painful — my cup overflows but refilling is largely my job only, because this girl doesn’t do that. And she shows people they’re special by hurting them (?). But the cards are form that we have a karmic/past life connection. My past life brings me relationships with women more manipulative than me 😐.

This connection is coming now after the last, which was a “Sayang tanpa sebut” karmic connection. All these cards fierce.

Gemini replenishes psychic energy with good. She asks me if I believe my low energy could bring a party energy down — I said yes. She asked if I thought this energy could manifest — I shrugged. She then said that my bad energy could manifest into the things that kacau me. And if things are attracted to me, why is it a bad thing? Give them chores to do. Ask them to do good things.

I think I would have to do a lot of drugs that leave me constantly delighted to listen to that.

Every month, the most stressful thing I do is come to this hospital for a week.

I’m hungover, functionally useless today, and reduced to the side of Netflix catalogue after running out of their newer “woke” programmes.

White people comedy centres either being too weird to fit in or being insufferable.

Impromptu belated birthday lunch for Yas with Pets. Went to Maria’s and we each ordered our usual which was great.

Then we went to a pretty pastry shop Yas had been eyeing — it turned out to be quite mediocre.

We were supposed to do a joint birthday but I guess not anymore.

Met Liy for our usual duck rice. Mm duck rice. Checking in on where we are right now.

Convinced her to move out because her living situation sounds untenable for her mental wellbeing.

She wants me to meet some enthusiastic guy.

Spoke with her mesquite cards. They say the same things as my cards. One gentle deck echoing a second gentle deck.

The chariot, courage, empress, devil.

Had a mediocre attempt at our cute-off contest. Grey rejected her completely.

my body hurts everywhere. Gym yesterday with Mark. Possibly only one more before the month long break.

Sumo squat lift, lunge press, weighted step ups, push ups, squats, dead lifts and plank.

good lord. Even my armpits are sore.

Why did my smart ass decide to nurse a hangover while recovering from doms and experiencing withdrawals from cigarettes and caffeine.

Dinner at Bait with Rach and Jos. Cranked open a white wine and a bottle of sake. The waiter told us we could get a 6L bottle of sake for RM210. Turns out it was 1.8L. Pretty good deal. Pretty good sales pitch too.

Gotta say the place felt a bit too trendy for me. All the people from that income bracket and social circle.

Got a rose bouquet and tau sah peang. Shared some bone marrow and seafood pasta. Pretty good.

Caught up on our lives as well. Seems to be the theme of the week.

I always thought you were a Miranda but you’re a Charlotte!

I wasn’t expecting them to treat me like some infatuated schoolboy πŸ˜’. Also becoming quite clear that I’m actually the romantic one in the group, which is a strange and disconcerting position to find myself in because I’m also the surly one.

Ended up in a karaoke bar with the girls. Escaped with singing only two songs. Could have hunkered down more, I think.

Listening to lost spaces because their vibe is so different from what I’m feeling today. I miss lingering on my morning cigarette. I don’t feel like eating but I need the energy for gym later.

My first thought today when I opened my eyes was smoke. Smoooooke.

Steamed chicken and vegetables. Gym session with extras. Every time I start gaining momentum like this with my health, I have to break it for the hospital. I’m so fucking tired of this.

But I’m also on my second day without smoking and it’s going better than I thought. I might take a break tmr since there’s mahjong and J will be there. Hrm πŸ€”

Steamboat birthday dinner with 2y. Overpriced hot pot restaurant with terrible service and not even very good quality imported food.

Awkward music videos — small room with very sexy Ariana Grande and Ellie Goulding music — clearly about sex. Eventually the older ones said the music was boring and asked for the music video to be changed. Not before many gyrations and humps crossed the screen.

Uncle F looked okay for a man with a spine fracture. Uncle P sang some Teresa Teng songs. Deb tried to hand me the mic when we were alone, but I didn’t want to. I think she was surprised because we used to sing together.

4y made jelly and Deb bought a Jaslyn cake. They asked if mum couldn’t make it tonight, but they didn’t even organise it in a wheelchair accessible restaurant in the first place? How was mum supposed to go up two storeys?

Talked about how steamboat is called hot pot now. Teresa Teng gossip. Another lady singer. Drank much sake.

2y made me set timers to the food we cooked. Uncle F tried to politely suggest the pork would get overcooked which set 2y off on swine flu in Africa and the stomach ache she had when she undercooked dumplings by 3 mins.

It makes sense that 2y is a Taurus.

Talking so much about Taurus this month. Is it because it’s the season?

Grey is so manja today, she slowly fell asleep on my chest. And now she is sleeping in the room.

So we move from chariot to hanged man, a stuck person and her need for surrender and new perspectives. Lol. Literally the hair expresses emotions. But nine cups lie ahead.

Also a warning; 5S. Competition with others, heartbreak, betrayal. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Is this where I tell myself not to listen too much to the cards so I can u-turn again in two weeks

Girl asked about her flirting with me.

Sabarjelah memang dia ni perlu satu kampung tahu yang dia buat kerja baik kalau tak memang dia jiwa kacau sabar je ok ya rabbi diam dan layan je lah.

Sabarrrrr jeeeee lahhhhhh.

Two days.

Watching theatre can be a flexing sport — sometimes it’s better to not have the post-show analysis, sit alone, see what comes up. At least I spared myself the Shakespeare adaptations and the lazy pseudo intellectual exercises as everyone participates in a sport of who understood and /appreciated most. This year of figuring out what I like, and whittling away/questioning learned consumption patterns has been useful.

What I like is not what I can appreciate, but what I can enjoy. What I can appreciate isn’t always what I enjoy.

I wish Kandang was more playful — those were the moments it shone. The rest felt dutiful. Well done, but also usually within expectations of what a well executed adaptation by this writer would be like. Tujah. Sujud. It is difficult to not see the ghosts of Pentas’ own adaptation of the text on Malaysian stages, but it holds its own. Fucking ace costumes too. I liked that the cast showed varying levels of experience, that there is a space interested in growing local talents and holding open auditions. Pity it’s such a clique and has dictators.

In contrast, Void in Void had so much room to experiment. To withhold, showcase, highlight. To alienate, leave spaces modular, challenge. I liked the lights and use of space — I mostly liked the projection work too, but felt the excellent sound design subsumed it.

Figures always searching. Exploring, creeping along the wall, rooted and stretching. Becoming a moving object. A still figure. I moved closer to the naked performer and was startled to see his balls. What else did I think would be there? A merkin?

Of course I picked something up at the abandoned warehouse, and it made its presence known. Loudly thumping an ashtray beyond my reach, killing a lightbulb, wrapping around my back and legs. Acting up so close to 6am indicates a lingering strength to me. Apologised to housemate and asked him to cleanse the space. Most apologetic because this one lingered around still in the morning. Random back pain akin to the Ipoh one.

He asked me today if I was at home in the afternoon — I’d been in the cafe working with Pets. Turns out doors were opening and closing by themselves. πŸ˜” Did what I could. Maybe I should call in someone to pagarkan my house. What’s the point of having all these contacts I don’t use?

Painful five hours just trying to transfer files out of a wonky phone connection. Thank goodness I was prepared to be patient over this ridiculously slow and laborious process.

Hot pot with CC, MW and Bell. Last minute swing to the next building as our default place was closed. Still got a hearty meal in. I think that’s my red meat quota for the week. Possibly whatever it was terikut Bell instead.

We also managed to catch up now that her show is done. She gets things so easily, I don’t have to explain or contextualise. She recognises immediately what I’m describing and how it’s problematic. I like this shortcut, makes me feel more sane.

The Chariot. The travel card that follows what is set in the Lovers. I was sceptical two months ago. Now I have a shiny new passport and two flight tickets booked. Never argue with the cards, it’s wasteful energy. I can’t believe I’m travelling — and I have official documents with my new look. It’s a strange feeling, I’m about to get a stamp on my first masc presenting document.

Being rewarded by the girl for not smoking today. Kalau aku tahu, dari awal lagi I buang my tembakau over the wall. Going over curfew tonight 🌈

Oh. I see what happened. I know why.

I could explain to you that you’ve misplaced your ego and anger, but I think I’ll leave it. Not the energy I welcome now. I tengah busy.

watched Avengers Endgame with some amount of teeth grinding patience. Too much man angst, each getting its due on screen. Not enough Valkyrie, not enough Agent Carter. Waaaaaay too much of that bald white woman doing that asian thing. One girl power moment that I think was supposed to fucking make up for the lack of good women moments.

Not convinced by Capt Marvel’s new hair. Wish they went with a barber cut. Did not appreciate Hawkeye at all, much less that racially uncomfortable scene where he murders a Japanese man. Didn’t enjoy the fat shaming for Thor as well.

Pets will rewatch it but I will not. It’s strange enough that I even watched it once.

Makan mussels after with Nina and Lil.

Lil gave me a cutie as a gift.

Bought vegetarian nangka coconut jam on the promise of it being like kaya, but it’s not. Only people who have not eaten kaya (or eggs) in a long time will think this is alike.

Bought ice cream and cheese for uncle K, and I’ve realised buying goods for palliative patients is an emotional exercise.

Getting around to knocking thing off my todo list. I just realised it’ll be non-stop until I arrive in Taiwan. Fingers crossed.

  • proposal
  • Listings
  • Buy luggage
  • chequebook
  • taxes
  • Mini vase/jam/delivery
  • Change money
  • Pack
  • Liy lunch
  • Yas dinner
  • Rachel dinner
  • 2yee birthday dinner
  • Nursing home supplies
  • Chequebook check
  • Clean house
  • Arrange pet care

Told mum about my upcoming travels.

  • …money laundering
  • Money laundering?
  • Lainie please, suppress your genes.
  • Maybe this is why I’m so bad at taxes.

Lately Yas takes a look at my face and just says “Disgusting” (was texting C) or rolls her eyes (because of plans with C). I am the gedik one in the group πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Talked about fantasy genre today and how fanficcers evolve into really good published authors capable of adapting different genre voices.

So much to unpack about the womens and nb space that fan fic is, and how the biggest website is blocked in Malaysia when the gov finally cottoned on that this is where our sexualities are expressed and consumed.

I have yet to start on my Cixin Liu books. Possibly because I am supposed to be reading more global south women authors, but…gdi πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Planning travels. Headed to Taiwan. Accidentally purchased two tickets.

Nina says my gedik powers are strong because Airasia is not fond of giving refunds.

Tried to convince the girls to watch the play, but because of the advisory I tacked on to the recommendation, I think I’ve ensured they will not.

I already hold the record in the group for worst movie recommendations (support local films! Oh no, this is terrible!). I may have dragged us to watch Adiwiraku, but at least Pulang was entirely Nina’s fault. She said once she put on her lesbian goggles she realised how it looked to us (nothing to offer but three generations of fuckbois).

Feeling guilt because I’ve been somewhat irresponsible with food today. Something about period and having the sweatiest gym workout that combines into temptation and excuses.

Green.

Porridge. Initially tried to mix chicken and pork and was told again I couldn’t, unless I mix soy chicken with pork. Am I unaware of some unspoken Cantonese food codes in KL? I thought I’m pretty decent with local cuisines.

δΈΊδ»€δΉˆδΈε―δ»₯? She couldn’t say πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ so we just laughed with each other at the silliness of the menu.

Seems like such a simple request. I just want protein gdi.

Pets and Eli. Starbucks without coffee. I can’t believe I rela masuk a Starbucks, but Eli is so rarely in town, so I guess. They weren’t even serving coffee today due to the water cuts.

Eli told Pets I manja.

Bought shorts, so now I finally own more than one pair. Hurrah!

Eli said if I somehow manage to piss off everyone during the festival, I am welcome to escape and stay with her during her field research. Lol. But I love so many sabahans, how is it possible I piss everyone off in one week?

Met Alia for dinner. Fish noodles shop was closed so we ended up at a pork chop specialist space. I was so period-hungry. And I finally got my protein.

Very one-note but does it well. Could have used something like a more tart apple sauce or some green beans. Maybe a thicker sauce. A heads up that the pork is pink. I liked it but not everyone will.

Awesome scotch quail eggs. Theatre show after. Didn’t realise it starts at 8pm. I don’t like cutting it so close, I would have insisted on an even earlier dinner if I knew.

It is a relevant show, such opportune timing. On the 50th anniversary of our May 13 riots, and tackling racial quotas in education, a subject hitting the news headlines hard just as the show debuts.

But it is three hours long. It wants the information impact of a performance lecture without the format. It does not trust the audience to understand the political landscape where the story takes place — perhaps that is fair — and it deals with this anxiety through exposition. This lends the whole thing a mansplainy denseness that never quits.

It is a show that relies on language, but the actors don’t have their lines down. I’m lucky I know the three languages they use to perform, and I feel for those reading the cursory surtitles. There are several performing poetry onstage, but only one poetic voice. It is difficult to listen without walls when the author is a noted plagiarist.

Excellent music design, although I wished there were also sound design. Taka has a confidence and skill in simplicity that is lacking in the poetry. It’s a jarring difference.

The subject is important, but the delivery is not punching as hard as it wishes it could. Still, despite observable flaws, it is decent. The casting works well. It is a few workshops away from craft, but admirable that it has come this far already. The show needs a final polish, and maybe another voice beyond the dominant cishet Malay Muslim man. But for now, it will do.

Wouldn’t things be simpler, if we could all be kacang yang melupakan kulit?

I guess receiving nudes is the new milestone in my friendships? πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

Or rather, it’s a revival?

Interesting conversations with two girls.

No sex, or bad sex? What a terrible (and terribly cishet) question. What would I do in a relationship I knew was going nowhere? What would I do if I hit a rut? Can someone in the relationship be committed to bad sex?

So many similar questions coming into my life now, it feels like the fates are using my friends to interview me for a future relationship.

Bedtime reading present from Eli. A signed copy πŸ’•.

I’m getting so many queer and feminist books as presents these days.

Getting E’s new half-zine of spells, rituals, magic, indigenous wisdoms, souls and sogit.

Now to trade cash over an app for it. Maybe I can turn this into a more meaningful exchange — but I should question this instinct too. Still, I will be in her kampung if she’s there for harvest season. So why not both kan? Buat online kemudian minum and sembang pasal zine.

Woke up so late today because of the heavy bleeding, thus setting off a chain of bad sleep times tonight.

Maybe the book will help me sleep. Or it might make it more difficult to do so. Probably the latter.

Didn’t think it through. Did some documents today. Not the best Cina numerology day. It will end 24042024. Jfc.

Found some old Tamil infographics I designed for mcchr! Should archive them.

Taiwan.

PRos. J. Pets & Eli. Cat viewing party. Kitschy Japanese restaurant. A&w waffles. Sarawak laksa.

Jiggle food. Tengu strap on. Yummylicious. Glory hole πŸ‘ŒπŸ». Good employers in the dark about office politics. Licks the air. Present.

Full of friends and full on perioding. Water cuts today.

I have some emotional auditing to do.

So tired. Can’t work up the energy to remember much.